The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: I recently started dating a guy I have known for 30 years. He has moved in and asked me to marry him. Our relationship is perfect except for anything having to do with social media. He has an account on TikTok using a sexually suggestive name.
He’s following 500 women and has just as many following him. I’m worried this will lead to other things, and the fact that he hides this from me makes it worse. Of all the women he follows, I am not on his list, and that hurts, too. I’m sure other readers deal with this issue, and I’m not sure how to handle this situation. Is this a form of cheating, or, because it is social media, should I not worry about it?
To my knowledge, he doesn’t chat with any of them, or maybe he has that hidden so I don’t see it and will probably never know for sure. Should I end this relationship because of doubt — which I’m worried will turn into trust issues — or shrug it off? — UNCERTAIN IN SOUTH CAROLINA
DEAR UNCERTAIN: How does your partner earn his living? Following 500 women seems time-consuming. If he’s hiding it from you, how do you know this? Your doubt, which is reasonable, already is a trust issue.
I will assume that you know about his “hobby” because you looked at his computer or phone. If you felt the need to do that, do not shrug it off. Have a heart-to-heart talk with him and ask what he’s seeking from these online relationships. Is he a voyeur or looking for adventure? Once you know the answer to those questions, you will know how to proceed.
DEAR ABBY: My mother is 86 years old. She has been widowed for more than 10 years. She works, sings in a choir, volunteers at her church and has three children who dote on her, but she desperately wants a man in her life — and the man she wants is married. They have been together for more than five years on and off. They get together, feel guilty and break up. This has happened more than 20 times.
She lies to us, her counselor and her friends about this affair. We are tired of her lies, her crying over the adulterer and her inability to enjoy what she has instead of complaining about what she doesn’t have. Doctors, counselors and church members have all tried to convince her this pattern is destructive, to no avail. Help! — OVER IT
DEAR OVER IT: It sounds like Mom may be in love with the drama more than the man. The best way to deal with it would be to stop engaging. When she starts discussing her affair, change the subject. If she persists, leave the room. Let her know that you really are “over it.” Tell her you refuse to watch her make a fool of herself any longer. Then encourage her to talk about the parts of her life that are not so self-destructive.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
