The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: I am 39 and have been with my husband for 20 years. We got together when we were young, and our two kids are almost grown. Early in our relationship, he cheated on me several times. I was able to move past that for the most part. We have a solid relationship and life now. A few of my ex-boyfriends have reached out to me over the last 18 months. I have removed myself from all social media and job websites, but they keep finding me.
One of these men is occupying more time in my head than he should. I cannot stop thinking about him, and about a year ago we connected over the phone. Nothing happened in person. I felt awful, and I told him I could no longer talk to him. He found me again through a friend, and intruding thoughts are creeping back in all the time.
I never got the opportunity to date around like my spouse did; he has slept with many women. I have only ever slept with him. I feel like I missed out on something. I think I know the answer, but I can’t talk to anyone else about this. — WONDERING IN THE NORTHWEST
DEAR WONDERING: Don’t risk your solid relationship on a what-if. Your husband’s decades-old indiscretions are not an excuse to cheat on him now. Instead of moving past them “for the most part,” let them go completely. They are ancient history. Block the ex-boyfriend and ask your friends to stop giving out your number without your permission. If you need to rekindle the passion with your husband, consult a licensed couples counselor, either with him or on your own.
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have some longtime friends who said they would be passing through our area. We invited them to have dinner with us and spend the night during their trip. They readily accepted and confirmed their afternoon arrival date and time a week in advance.
Two hours before they were supposed to be here, we got a call from them saying, “Mix-up. We’re busy tonight, so push dinner back to 10:30 p.m., and then we’ll spend the entire next day visiting with you instead!” This was a huge imposition because we never eat dinner that late (bedtime for us is around 10), and we already had plans for the next day.
We adapted and offered them some light appetizers and dessert when they arrived at nearly 11 p.m. We then excused ourselves to retire at midnight after setting them up in the guest room. We reminded them we had to be on our way by 10 the next morning for an existing commitment, but that we could visit over coffee and pastries here beforehand. They said they prefer to sleep late (until almost noon) and seemed genuinely miffed that we didn’t change our plans for them. How would you have handled this? — MIXED UP IN ARIZONA
DEAR MIXED UP: I would have handled the situation the same way you did, and in the future, I would not agree to host that presumptuous couple again. Ever.
