The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: I’ve been separated and divorced for two years. A year ago, I met a man through a mutual friend. He was also going through a divorce. We started communicating, fell in love and have been traveling back and forth between Ohio, where he works and lives, and New Jersey, where I am.
He wants me to quit my job and find a new one so we can make our relationship permanent in Ohio. I’m a sales support coordinator for a broker, and I have been with the company for some time. There’s no guarantee I could find a job that pays as well as this one does. He has his own business and also cares for his elderly aunt and uncle.
I want to be with him, but at my age (60), I’m hesitant to start a new job. Also, I’d be leaving my adult kids behind and would miss them dearly. It’s a dilemma because I want to be able to see my kids as often as we can, but I also love this man and want to share my life with him. How do I figure this out? — HARD DECISIONS TO MAKE
DEAR HARD DECISIONS: Your work is cut out for you. Before making any decisions, do some exploring. Would moving out of state guarantee that you would have to sacrifice your well-paying job? Many people work remotely these days, and it wouldn’t hurt to ask if it would be possible for you to do that with your current company. Are there similar job openings in the city where your gentleman friend lives?
Relocating to Ohio would not necessarily mean you would no longer see your adult children. They could visit, and the reverse is also true. Other families surmount this challenge and so could you. Give yourself some time to decide what is right for you.
DEAR ABBY: I am divorced and have an adult son. He hasn’t been back for four or five years. His dad had a heart attack, so my son took a few days to come home. I texted to see how his dad was doing and got only short responses. My son made no attempt to see me while he was here — not a one-hour visit or even a phone call.
I have never been so hurt. I am beyond devastated. I know it’s not about me, but I have feelings, and I feel like I don’t exist to either of them. My ex and I are both in relationships. Should I quit trying to communicate with my son? I don’t want to do this, but spin it any way you want, he didn’t want to see me. So, is it, “When a door closes, quit knocking”? I am crushed. What should I do? — STILL MOM IN CANADA
DEAR MOM: Your son’s visit was not about you. It was about his father who had suffered a heart attack and could have died. It’s entirely possible that your son had his hands full dealing with his dad and the circumstances surrounding his treatment and care. If you hadn’t seen your son in four or five years, you may not have been that close to begin with. Leave it alone. If you continue to pursue and personalize this, you will only drive your son further away.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
