The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: I am a 79-year-old woman who, over time, has suffered the loss of several family members. Now I’m facing the worst loss imaginable. A year ago, my 24-year-old grandson “Rafe” cut himself off from his father and from me. Until then, we had been a close, loving family who did things together. Rafe and his girlfriend live rent-free in my son’s house, yet they refuse to speak to either of us. I’ve written and spoken to him, but he says that unless my son and I “change,” he wants nothing to do with us. We are clueless as to what change he wants from us, and he offers no explanation.
My son was recently diagnosed with incurable cancer. The doctors say that, with treatment, he can live for a number of years. All of this has been explained to Rafe, yet he remains silent. If there had been abuse or lack of care over the years, I could understand his attitude, but it’s the opposite. His father and I have done everything in the world for him all his life, maybe too much. My son needs love and support now more than ever. What can I do to reach my grandson? Do I need to accept this and give up? — HEARTBROKEN
DEAR HEARTBROKEN: I understand your pain and frustration. Until Rafe decides to explain what has caused his grudge, his issues belong on the back burner. For now, focus your energy on your son. Support him as much as you can, and try not to let him dwell on his problems with his son. Consider that an adult son who continues to give his father the silent treatment may not deserve to live in his father’s house at all, much less rent-free.
DEAR ABBY: My son (51) has been married to his wife (47) for 13 years. From day one, it was apparent that she had a shopping addiction. Together they have money to support this constant waste, but it overruns the house. My son has often expressed that it’s a problem. First, it was stocking the pantry, then a second pantry and no room in the fridge for even a cold drink. They have magazines that are never read, piles of books to read “someday” and every drawer in the kitchen overflowing with unused gadgets. You don’t even want to know what it’s like at Christmas. This has been a constant source of stress for my son. I suspect she has a mental problem, but how should we approach it? She thinks it’s OK to live this way. — NEED HELP IN BEACH TOWN
DEAR NEED HELP: Your daughter-in-law appears to be a shopping addict and a hoarder. The good news: There are organizations that help with both of those problems. Find a nearby Spenders Anonymous meeting (spenders.org) and suggest that your son attend even if his wife refuses. To get rid of all the extra stuff, search for a decluttering service in their city. Your DIL will be anxious or unhappy about this at first, but your son can learn strategies that may bring her around.
