The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: I have a mother-in-law of 30 years I distance myself from. I do this in order to maintain my sanity. She seems incapable of carrying on a normal conversation and responds to any comment or question by talking about herself, even though it usually has nothing to do with what was said. What bothers me most is when she’s around our adult children. She won’t ask them any questions, isn’t interested in how they are or what they are up to, and doesn’t say anything loving or kind. Instead, she drones on about other people in her life who have nothing to do with us. We constantly say we don’t know that person, but she continues talking about them. I have tried for many years to redirect conversations, to no avail.
She has been this way for as long as I have known her. Do you think it’s possible to get through to a person like this, to make her understand how a normal conversation should go? Do you think it’s terrible for her grandchildren not to want to be around her? I don’t encourage them to spend much time with her because they end up feeling annoyed and disappointed. That, however, does not sit well with their father. Any thoughts would be appreciated. — FRUSTRATED DAUGHTER-IN-LAW
DEAR FRUSTRATED: Your mother-in-law appears to be solely centered upon herself. If, after 30 years, you haven’t been able to get through to her that her lack of interest in her grandchildren has isolated her from them, you and your husband must recognize that she isn’t going to change. There is no quick fix for this. After three decades of this treatment, your children will never want to be in their grandmother’s presence any more than they are required to be, whether it sits well with their father or not.
DEAR ABBY: My sister and I have an OK relationship. When we were younger, we always fought, but that’s what siblings do. When my father died, I learned about it not from a phone call, but on social media. To say I was hurt and angry is an understatement.
How can I get past this? I told my sister how hurt I was when it happened, but I can’t seem to move on. Now my mother is not doing well, and I’m afraid this will happen again since I have been named executor of her will and a trustee of any assets to be received by my older sister. What are your thoughts on how to get past this and potentially handle any future dealings? — YOUNG EXECUTOR
DEAR YOUNG EXECUTOR: I’m sorry to learn your mother is unwell. Executorship is a big responsibility. As you navigate the next steps, try to set the tone with humility. Instead of dwelling on the past, fulfill your duties objectively and with diligence. If the estate is large and your sister is unhappy with the terms of the will, consult a probate lawyer to keep matters from getting personal.
