The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: My husband has a twin brother and a younger brother. After I met his family, it became clear that his parents openly favor his twin, “Kaden.” Based on childhood stories my husband and other family members told me, his parents have spent most of their time, energy and money on Kaden. Previously, it made sense. Kaden had health problems as a child and required extra care. But now, although he’s a healthy adult in his mid-30s, the situation hasn’t changed.
Some examples: During his speech at our wedding, my father-in-law asked the room to toast to Kaden’s various achievements instead of toasting my husband and me! My in-laws cancel visits to us because Kaden decided to visit them at exactly the same time. They have planned their vacations based on places Kaden thinks they should visit. Speaking to them on the phone is infuriating since most of the conversation is about what’s going on with Kaden.
I don’t speak to my husband about it often because he gets angry when I bring it up, and their younger brother just shrugs it off as how things have always been. Kaden and his spouse are now trying to have a baby, and my husband is asking that we start trying, too.
Abby, I’m hesitant. I believe it’s important kids grow up with the love and support of grandparents. But based on their behavior for the last 30 years, I’m afraid that if both of us have children, his parents will continue this favoritism toward Kaden’s family.
I am anxious about his parents forgetting our kids’ birthdays or not wanting to visit them. I’m loath to put my children into that situation and am considering refusing my husband’s request, whatever it may mean for our relationship. Am I being unreasonable? — UNFAVORITE IN THE WEST
DEAR UNFAVORITE: Because of the degree of dysfunction on your husband’s side of the family, it might be helpful to talk this through during some sessions with a marriage and family therapist. You didn’t mention in your letter whether you want to be a mother. If the answer is yes, it could be time for you and your husband to start — provided he isn’t making the request because he’s trying to keep up with his twin brother.
Granted, your in-laws may be dreadful grandparents — but there are usually four of them. I would think your parents would be delighted at the prospect of a new grandchild, as would other relatives on your side of the family.
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DEAR ABBY: I am a lover of words and find great pleasure in them. There are so many different ways to express myself that I try to use as many as possible. It was recently suggested that perhaps I should limit my vocabulary in order not to confuse some within my circle. I would never knowingly want to make anyone feel “less than,” but it breaks my heart a little bit to not use all the wonderful words available to me. Am I being too sensitive? — LOVES LANGUAGE IN THE EAST
DEAR LOVES: Words are meant to help us communicate with each other, not separate us. If the vocabulary you are using is too esoteric for your friends to easily comprehend, do them (and yourself) a favor by using language they can understand when you are with them and save the fancy lingo for people who are more receptive.
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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
