The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my wife for three years. She asked me to fix her old computer. As I was doing that, I saw emails from her ex, “Doug,” dated a few months before our wedding. They started with the usual greetings, then proceeded to steamy back-and-forth emails.
They set up a time to talk, and Doug suggested they use FaceTime. It appears they had several interactions on FaceTime. In his emails afterward (she told him never to text), he described his sexual feelings and how great her body looked and details about what he was going to do to her. She played right back with him. This went on for about a month and a half. When she cut it off, he complained, but she never got back to him.
Doug emailed her several times after the last interaction and asked why she had stopped, adding that he was giving up after receiving no response. I noted his number was also blocked on her phone. He lives in another country, so I know they didn’t physically get together. We have a good marriage, but this is killing me. What should I do? — BETRAYED IN NEW YORK
DEAR BETRAYED: What you should do is tell your wife you found her correspondence with Doug and how it made you feel. She realized she was making a mistake and ended her inappropriate conversations with Doug before she married you. I presume she has been faithful ever since. Feeling as you do, you may need the help of a licensed marriage counselor to put this matter to rest. Please don’t wait.
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DEAR ABBY: My husband throws a fit over every minor inconvenience, from the trash can being knocked over to the screen door being in his way. He starts yelling and cursing and slamming doors. I don’t understand it. When things like this happen to other people, they simply pick up the mess or move the object and go about their day.
I try to help and move stuff around to avoid his fits, but they are inevitable, it seems. I cannot handle the negativity over something so trivial. Our neighbors can hear him, and I’d feel embarrassed, if I were him, to be heard cursing like a child having a tantrum.
How would you advise I handle this situation? I am at my wits’ end. I feel as though I will have to live with the yelling and anger forever. — IN THE LINE OF FIRE
DEAR IN THE LINE: Could there be some other stressors in your husband’s life that have caused him to have such a short fuse? When folks are troubled about something they can’t control, they sometimes blame their frustration on the nearest person or object. It’s called “displacement.”
I hope you realize that his inability to control his temper (and his mouth) is no reflection on you, and that it is not up to you to handle it. If you manage to catch him when he’s rational, ask if anything else might be bothering him, and then be prepared to listen. If he realizes what’s causing this, it might make him better able to cope.
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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
