The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: Years ago, my wife and I were separated. During that time, we still spent time together, had marital relations and went on many trips with our kids. During that period, two individuals who were supposed to be my friends started talking to my wife behind my back. Because they had crossed a line, I ended my friendships with them. They knew I was going to try to win my family back, but they said things calculated to make her angry.
Fourteen years passed, and I bumped into one of them. I was with my wife at the time. I wanted to quash our differences, so I spoke to him. I noticed something weird between him and my wife, and that stuck in my head.
When we got home, I asked if something happened between them, and she said no. But then she confessed that she had gone out with him a few times. She said he wanted to have sex with her, but it didn’t happen. The way she said it sounded weird to me, and I had the feeling she wasn’t being truthful.
Seven years later, she admitted something DID happen. Now I feel betrayed and angry that she allowed something to go on with someone who was my enemy. I no longer see her as my wife. I feel I can’t trust her. She told me she is sorry for what happened and said she had been afraid to tell me about it. She doesn’t want to separate or divorce. She says she loves me. I can’t think. Can you tell me what you think about all this? — BROKEN TRUST IN NEW YORK
DEAR BROKEN: I think your friends added fuel to the fire when you and your wife were having marital difficulties. I also think she was emotionally vulnerable, was taken advantage of and was afraid to level with you. I do not think you should automatically end your long marriage over something that might be able to be resolved by working with a licensed marriage and family therapist. Please give it serious consideration.
DEAR ABBY: My 31-year-old son lives with us. He has had an on-again, off-again drinking problem since his 20s. He is kind-hearted, has an associate’s degree and is back in college again, but he’s never had a full-time steady job. We buy his clothes and give him room and board. He studies, helps around our house with cleaning, washing, etc., but I don’t know how to help him stop drinking.
He sometimes gets mean when he’s drunk. He doesn’t drink every day, but, mostly, about 12 days out of the month, he gets really drunk at home. He doesn’t seem to be finding a job, although he has applied for some. Please give me advice. — STRESSED MOM IN NEW YORK
DEAR MOM: You and your husband need to find an Al-Anon meeting (al-anon.org/info) and go. When you do, you will find emotional support for what I am suggesting next. Tell your kind-hearted, sometimes mean, functional alcoholic son you and his father are giving him a deadline to get into an alcohol rehabilitation program and find a full-time job, or he will have to move out. Then stick to it. Your kindness and understanding have enabled your son to continue his unproductive and unhealthy lifestyle, which isn’t good for any of you.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
