The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I stopped having sexual relations eight years ago. She keeps our two grandchildren 11 to 12 hours a day, five (and sometimes six) days a week. (That’s 60 to 70 hours.) By the time they’re picked up, she’s irritated, agitated, frustrated and wants to be left alone. She doesn’t want to talk or spend any time with me. She can’t see that keeping the grandkids that much has interfered with our relationship with each other.
We are about to separate because I don’t want to live my last few years with someone I can’t hold or kiss and who doesn’t want to hold or kiss me because she’s so irritated and frustrated by the time the kids leave. She doesn’t want to be bothered. She just sits in her recliner and goes to sleep.
There’s plenty of love, loyalty and trust between us, but after eight years of no intimacy, I think I have waited long enough. I have tried talking to her about it many times. She says she has lost her desire, but she can’t see the reason is because she’s having that same bad day, every day. Any advice before I finalize this? — HAD IT IN ALABAMA
DEAR HAD IT: I am glad you wrote. There may be more than one reason your wife’s energy and sex drive have disappeared. You state that there is plenty of love, loyalty and trust between you. Please suggest to her that she consult her doctor and ask to have her hormone levels checked.
I can’t help wondering how old your grandchildren are and why she is expected to take care of them for 11 to 12 hours a day. It may simply be too much for her. However, a thyroid issue or a decrease in estrogen may also be contributing to her exhaustion. If that’s the case, there are medical solutions available if your wife is willing to explore them.
Your marriage is worth fighting for, and I hope your wife will see the wisdom before she or your relationship collapses under the weight of the responsibility she has taken on.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 74-year-old woman who has no surviving immediate family. I have two cousins who are still living. One of them is my age and, to this day, may not know he was adopted as a baby. I discovered it when I was very young and snooped through my mother’s nightstand drawer. I mentioned it to my aunt (his adoptive mother) 30 years ago, and she made me promise not to ever tell him. Is it best to let him live his entire life not knowing, or should I somehow bring it up to him? — COUSIN WHO WANTS THE BEST FOR HIM
DEAR COUSIN: I will assume that both of your cousin’s parents are deceased. How do you think he will feel when you announce that his entire life has been a lie? Do you think he will be warmly greeted and accepted by siblings who never knew he existed? I know you are eager to tell him the truth, but “the truth” is that his parents are the people who raised him. At this late date, I think it would be better to keep the promise you gave to your aunt rather than disrupt your cousin’s life.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
