The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: I’ve been married to a narcissist for 28 years. He has gaslighted me for our entire 30 years together. He has had a “work wife” and a flirtation with the next-door neighbor hottie, and he paid for two sexy girls’ dinners (and pies to go) because they happened to be in line in front of us.
After an argument, he even called the police on me. (An entire shift of sheriff officers surrounded our house.) I have developed severely negative emotions toward him, especially when he lies to me. We haven’t had sex in a year. We get along fairly well in day-to-day activities, although it bothers me that I have to be chauffeured everywhere I go, including him waiting while I have my hair and nails done.
I’m 67 and feel it is too late to start over. My psychologist can’t understand why I don’t leave. We aren’t destitute, but we’re not wealthy either. I don’t know which way to turn. — HATING HIM IN MICHIGAN
DEAR HATING HIM: I find it interesting that as threatened as you feel about your husband’s work relationship with his assistant, his flirtation with the hottie next door and two strangers he tried to impress by paying for their takeout dinners (pies included!), HE is so insecure that he must drive you everywhere you go outside the house.
While you think it may be too late for you to start over, you need to clearly define what starting over means to you. I can think of worse fates than freedom from an insecure, possessive, lying narcissist. You are under the care of a licensed psychotherapist. The logical “way to turn” would be in the direction your therapist is trying to guide you.
DEAR ABBY: I am concerned about a dear friend who has a diagnosis of mild dementia. She has no family here. Her closest relatives are four hours away, and she has minimal contact with them. She was widowed 40 years ago and hasn’t dated. She always said she had no interest in that. She is deeply involved in our community and has a wide, varied circle of friends.
My concern is that while she has always been active in different events — the arts, music, adult ed classes — she is now VERY interested in men. She has spoken to me about her desire for a sexual relationship. She’s 82. I am at a loss about what to tell her and worried about the consequences if she does find a man willing and able. I feel strongly that her desire is a personality change as a result of dementia. Any advice would be appreciated. — DIFFERENT NOW IN IOWA
DEAR DIFFERENT: Your friend is well enough that she is active in your community. Talk further with your friend about this. She doesn’t have to worry about a pregnancy, but STDs among seniors have more than doubled in the United States in the last decade. Syphilis, gonorrhea and chlamydia are all on the rise. Lack of knowledge and low condom use are driving these statistics.
Seniors have a right to a sex life if they wish, but they should be well informed before starting one. Urge your friend to speak with her gynecologist before starting any intimate relationship.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
