The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: I love my cousin “Carly” like a sister. We come from a large family, and both of us are estranged from our mothers (who are sisters) as well as our siblings. We’re OK with this because we have no room for toxic people in our lives.
Recently, Carly has fallen on hard times — a bitter divorce and a failed business. She lost one son in a terrible accident and the other to drugs and alcohol. Her daughter has sided with her dad and rarely speaks to Carly. When she does contact her mom, she is unkind and rude. I think that since Carly no longer has money to spend on her, the girl is kicking her mom while she’s down.
Carly is heartbroken, depressed and struggling with the “why me?” of all of this. If I had the funds, I’d help her with whatever she needed to deal with her legal woes, but these are tough times for everyone. I try to check in on her daily via text (we live in separate cities) and give her strategies to deal with her failing business and all the clean-up — financial and emotional — that comes with letting go of her dream of owning her own shop.
I worry about Carly because she has no one other than me. All the fair-weather friends who hung around her business are gone, and her kids and grandkids have floated away. What advice can I give her? — LOVING COUSIN IN NEW MEXICO
DEAR COUSIN: From what you have written, you have given Carly about as much emotional support as you can. If you can manage to schedule some in-person, one-on-one time with Carly, it might lift her spirits. However, there may be one more thing you can give: Hope. Remind your cousin that when one door closes, another may open, and when it does, she will be able to apply all the lessons she has learned so far.
As to “why me?” — setbacks happen to everyone at one time or another. The trick is to learn from our mistakes so we don’t repeat them.
DEAR ABBY: I have a casual acquaintance, “Stacy,” who long ago moved to a different part of the country and sends me a message every couple of months. She’s not a friend I would ever think to visit or even call on the phone, and she apparently feels the same.
Stacy writes that she “wants to keep in touch,” yet her messages contain nothing more than a greeting followed by a perfunctory response, like “been busy,” when I ask what she’s been up to.
I used to offer details about work, my hobbies, my spouse and where I’ve traveled on vacations, without acknowledgment or reciprocation on her part. Now, I no longer bother offering her any details. Frankly, I don’t see this as keeping in touch at all. Would it be rude, after all these years, to stop writing her back? — FLUMMOXED IN FLORIDA
DEAR FLUMMOXED: No, it would not be rude. It appears Stacy sends out blanket messages in an effort to “keep her contacts warm,” but she isn’t sincere enough to show a personal interest in the recipients. You are not required to respond to her messages.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
