The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: About eight months ago, I stumbled on my husband watching online porn. He admitted to habitual use but said it was just a stress reliever and he would stop viewing it. Meanwhile, I am plagued by feelings of not being enough for him, mainly before or during sex but also at random times of the day and night.
I am a small-breasted woman, and I can’t stop thinking that he has seen beautiful bodies that are much more of a turn-on than mine. I am ashamed of how I look and no longer want him to see me naked. This was never a problem before, but now it’s a constant feeling of inadequacy. I’m also not sure he has stopped, but I realize there’s no way for me to know that, so I’m struggling with trust.
Is there anything I can do to stop thinking about this and build back some self-confidence? — CAN’T COMPARE IN THE SOUTH
DEAR CAN’T COMPARE: You need to understand something. Men are turned on by the visual. Millions of them watch porn for pleasure. This is a fact. Your husband’s viewing doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you. You are the woman he married, and until you “stumbled upon him” watching porn, everything was fine.
As I reread your letter, I was struck by your lack of self-esteem. The surest way to stop obsessing about this and rebuild your self-confidence would be to ask your doctor to refer you to a psychologist who can help you regain your perspective.
DEAR ABBY: After a recent gathering for my granddaughter’s graduation, I am feeling depressed and upset. Unflattering pictures of me were taken during the event and later posted on social media. I wasn’t asked, and I think it was done maliciously by the grandmother on the other side. She posted no candid pictures of herself, only ones that were planned and staged.
I don’t feel I can ask that they be taken down without causing a rift. I did post a suggestion on the site about privacy and pictures. That grandma has read my message but hasn’t taken the hint to remove them. This has led to unpleasant memories of an otherwise memorable and happy event. Why don’t people realize that no-longer-young individuals don’t want terrible pictures splashed all over the internet? — EMBARRASSED IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR EMBARRASSED: Your granddaughter’s graduation was all about her and her accomplishment. It wasn’t a “Mirror, mirror on the wall” contest of which grandmother is the fairer. Try to focus more closely on the spirit of the occasion and less on any unfortunate picture that was posted later. If you do, you may see the humor in this. You wrote that older people don’t want terrible pictures splashed all over the internet. News flash: Younger people like it even less. Laugh and the world laughs with you. And toss the sour grapes into the garbage.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
