The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: I am a middle-aged slender woman born into a family of women who have always struggled with weight. Ever since I can remember, I have been subjected to nasty jibes and microaggressions regarding my weight.
My siblings have always kept a close eye on my waistline for clues that I could be gaining. They have also bullied and excluded me, and I have long suspected the reason has something to do with my weight. Depending on my lifestyle and the season, my weight fluctuates by about 10 pounds.
When traveling family members visit, I always hear, “You’re so skinny! I’m so jealous!” Or, if I have put on a few pounds, “You look really healthy!” None of the other women in my family are on the receiving end of these unwelcome comments, and I feel objectified and embarrassed by all this.
I am more than a body. I’m a kind and caring human being who just wants to be accepted and respected by family members I love, despite their annoying comments. How can I get them to stop seeing me as a body and start seeing me as the caring human being I am? I want those comments to stop. — THIN IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR THIN: It may be time to approach these relatives head-on and say something like this:
“For years I have watched you struggle unsuccessfully with your weight. Frankly, it has made me feel guilty for being thin. It’s possible that I was born with a higher metabolism than the rest of you, which is not my fault. In all this time, I have never commented about your weight. So please, from now on, quit commenting about mine, because I find it embarrassing for all of us.”
DEAR ABBY: My husband hates my special needs sister. He allowed her to come on one short vacation but said she was awful, annoying and a bad influence on the kids. She doesn’t curse or do anything inappropriate. She is lazy and obese, but the kids love her and asked for her to come. He also screams at me if she calls, which she does sometimes because I’m her legal guardian and manage her funds. He wants me to stop doing it and turn her over completely to the state.
I love my sister, and it breaks my heart that he hates her, doesn’t want her to visit once a year for a few days and accuses me of not caring about his feelings or listening to him. He’s under a lot of stress and just hates having her around him. Must I cut ties with my sister to make him happy? — PULLED IN TWO IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR PULLED: It appears you married a selfish, unsupportive, controlling man who lacks empathy for people with disabilities. I hope you won’t cave in to his demands and desert your sister who needs you. He has no right to berate you for fulfilling a family obligation. If he can’t stand having her visit, perhaps HE should take a small vacation during the few days she’s with you. Draw the line and insist upon it before he swallows you up entirely.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
