The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: I am a 29-year-old man who has been with a fantastic woman, 25, for the last year. I believe she is The One. We have moved quickly and have already settled into an apartment together.
Recently, she was asked to be a bridesmaid in a wedding between her ex’s cousin and a friend she met through her ex. Her ex will be a part of the wedding. She isn’t very close with this friend. It seems like the bride-to-be doesn’t have many other friends.
It is clear to me that my girlfriend really wants to attend this wedding. I asked her to see if we could attend the wedding without her being a bridesmaid, but she’s under the impression that we wouldn’t be invited otherwise. I felt like I couldn’t say no, so I agreed to go if she agreed she wouldn’t attend any event where her ex would be present.
But now she has agreed to be a bridesmaid, and I find myself getting upset every time the wedding is mentioned. I haven’t begun to feel resentful toward her, but I’m worried this may change as the wedding draws closer. I want to be supportive, but I also can’t ignore that I am clearly not OK with this arrangement. What should I do? — NEW BOYFRIEND IN CONNECTICUT
DEAR BOYFRIEND: You should not be placing stipulations on your girlfriend, who is part of the wedding. For her to back out on her promise to be in the bridal party would be bad form. Pressuring her to do that is childish on your part.
You have an opportunity to be a hero and conquer your insecurity. Grab hold of it and send your girlfriend to the wedding … alone. And when you do, smile, give her a hug and tell her you hope she has a good time, and that you will be waiting with open arms when she gets back.
DEAR ABBY: “Shattered in New York” (Jan. 14) was struggling with the fact that her wife, “Sandy,” was supporting a friend entering into a new relationship soon after her wife was admitted into a dementia care facility. The reality is, the person you love no longer exists. Yes, physically they are there, but the person they once were is not, and it’s devastating.
My dad has dementia, and while my mom makes sure he’s safe, happy and visits him every day, she is certainly no longer in a marriage with an actual partner. She is alone, and we all support her finding companionship while Dad is alive.
It’s incredibly unfair to expect someone in that situation to wait alone, potentially for years, for their spouse to pass. You doubted that Sandy would want Shattered to move on if Sandy were in that situation. I feel confident that she is understanding enough that she would. — KNOWS HOW IT IS
DEAR KNOWS: I would hope so, but if my mail is any indication, there are no guarantees. This is a complicated situation, and the solution has to be something appropriate for everyone involved.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
