The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: My next-door neighbors are appropriately friendly, mow their lawn and generally mind their own business. The husband is a leader in a fundamentalist church whose pastor preaches that being gay is a sin and transgender people are mentally ill. My wife and I are lesbians, and our middle child is transgender. This is obvious to anyone who has met us.
Our third child is the same age as the neighbors’ daughter, and they play outside sometimes. Her mom has started asking if my daughter can come over to their house. I’m looking for a kind way to let her know that playdates are not an option. I respect their family’s right to have values different from mine, but I don’t think it’s emotionally safe for my kid to be over there. Similarly, my house is too queer-friendly for me to feel comfortable hosting a conservative neighbor’s kid here. How do I give a blanket “no” to visits while remaining cordial neighbors? — THE LESBIAN NEXT DOOR
DEAR LESBIAN NEXT DOOR: I get the impression you and your neighbors are polite but not close, so there’s your reason: Tell her you aren’t comfortable letting your daughter spend time inside the home of someone you don’t know well.
To improve this relationship, invite them over for dinner, perhaps a casual outdoor barbecue. If it turns out your two families are as incompatible as you suspect, your daughter will stop receiving playdate invitations.
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, “Dirk,” and I are in our late 50s. We both are divorced, and we each have a single child over the age of 18. Every time Dirk and I go out for a nice dinner date, he either orders a meal “to go” to bring home for his son or purposely eats only half his dinner and brings the rest home for him. I’ve told Dirk this is rude. It spoils the mood of having an intimate adult date. His son is old enough to figure out how to feed himself.
The problem is, Dirk won’t stop doing this, and it’s been going on for years. It took two years to finally get Dirk to stop bringing his son with us if we went on errands together. I feel suffocated and like I’m dating two rather than one in that household. Dirk chooses to blur boundaries and always pulls the “single dad, raising him on my own” card, an excuse I’ve never had to make. I believe it applies to minor children, not adults, and coddling to this extreme is ridiculous.
Am I being too harsh? My son is self-sufficient. He has a healthy social life and keeps healthy boundaries when it comes to my love life. I’ve talked myself hoarse being honest with Dirk about all of this, but it never changes, and these dynamics keep me from advancing my commitment to Dirk. He begs me to move in, but I think after one week, I’d be at my wits’ end. Should I pull the plug altogether and move on? — DATING TWO IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR DATING: I think that unless you’d like to become a family of three living under Dirk’s roof, you need to do exactly that. Feeling as you do about Dirk’s son, the relationship would be doomed from the moment you unpacked your bags.
