The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: A dear friend of 10 years experienced a severe mental health crisis. I did my best to reach out to her, but she pushed me away and flaked on plans and important events at the last minute at least a dozen times. Once her mental health began to improve, I approached her and told her I understood her behavior had been largely out of her control, but it still hurt when she pushed me away and canceled at the last minute for meaningful events in my life. She apologized, I accepted, and I thought we could move on again as close friends.
She is now engaged to a man and seems to put no time or value into our friendship. I am grieving the loss of a dear friend and struggling to accept that it is over. I have many questions: Did we simply drift apart? Is her new fiance more important to her? Is she upset that I confronted her, and was I wrong to do so? Do 10 years of friendship mean nothing? I’m afraid another difficult conversation will create a worse outcome, but I miss the friend I once had. Where is the line to excuse behavior under the duress of mental health and at what point do I simply accept that she is no longer a good friend, mental health crisis aside? — NOT OVER IT IN OREGON
DEAR NOT OVER IT: As much as this close friendship may have meant to you, it’s time to realize that these relationships are not always static. They can evolve, devolve and change. You were within your rights to express to the woman that you felt pushed away during her mental health crisis. Those were your feelings, and you were entitled to them.
The time has come now for you to lighten up. Your friend is happily engaged to someone who makes her happy, and her attention and priorities have shifted away from her close friendship with you. Of course her fiance is more important to her than you are. It isn’t that you are no longer good friends, it’s that the intensity has lessened. Handle that as you wish, but I see nothing positive to be gained by another confrontation.
DEAR ABBY: My daughter is getting married to “Bob,” who has an 8-year-old son, “Ricky,” from a previous marriage. The plan was to have Bob’s son be the ring bearer and have my 2 1/2-year-old grandson, “Aiden,” be the flower boy. However, Ricky has autism, and Bob has decided that it would be better to not include him in the ceremony. Now he says he doesn’t want Aiden to be in the ceremony, either. I can understand Bob’s feelings, but it does not seem fair to me. — NEW MEXICO GRANDDAD
DEAR GRANDDAD: You may feel let down by this decision, but trust that your grandson will never know the difference. When planning a wedding, the bride and groom organize the ceremony in whatever way they feel will best celebrate their union. Fairness doesn’t play a role in it, and no one is owed a place in the wedding party. Attend the wedding with joy in your heart, and show your daughter how much you love her by respecting her decision.
