The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: Over the past several years I have fallen out of love with my wife. We’re now at a point where all we do is cohabitate for the sake of the children. She often says she wants nothing to do with the kids and treats me as below human. She calls me at work repeatedly, then hangs up on me if I don’t agree or give her the answer she wants. I finally had enough and told her I can no longer live like this.
She’s now saying she has “seen the error of her ways” and wants to change. I don’t know if I believe her or even care at this point. I have been so beaten down I just go through the motions. Part of me would like to see who else is out there for me, but then my wife cries and says she has “nowhere to go” and that I’d be putting the mother of my children “out on the street.” She doesn’t work because she can’t keep a job. (Something always comes up that forces her to walk out.) Please help me. I am beside myself and don’t know what to do. — AT A CROSSROADS IN COLORADO
DEAR AT A CROSSROADS: Try marital counseling for your children’s sake, to determine whether your wife is capable of changing and whether your marriage can be salvaged.
If the answer is no, consult an attorney who specializes in family law, and when you do, seek custody of your children. If your wife says she wants nothing to do with them now, after a divorce her attitude isn’t likely to improve. They will need a caring, supportive parent close to them. If your wife is as you have described, she appears to be more interested in a meal ticket than a partner, and you deserve better.
DEAR ABBY: I am a college student. In order to save money on housing, my best friend, “Keira,” and I decided to get an apartment together. She’s engaged, so it’s actually the two of us and her fiance, “Bruce.” All of us were enthusiastic about the idea. They moved in a few months before me because I had a job back home and their jobs were at school.
Because they moved in first, they treat me as if it is “their” apartment and I merely have a room there. When I try to buy things for the apartment, such as a new tablecloth, bath mat, etc., Keira immediately undoes any changes I have made when I leave for the day. I feel it is her passive-aggressive way of undermining me. It happens every day with something.
This may seen petty, but this is my apartment, too. I pay rent just as they do, and I want to feel at home here as well. Keira is stubborn and wants things her way. How can I get her to quit this behavior without causing further animosity within our home? — HOME-LESS IN NEW YORK
DEAR HOME-LESS: Convene a household meeting and tell Keira and Bruce what you have told me. While they arrived first and furnished “their” nest, you have an equal right to have it reflect some of your taste and personality. For your friend to erase it while your back is turned is inconsiderate of your feelings.
If you don’t bring this out in the open, you will never establish a compromise. Because Keira is planning to be married, she had better get used to the concept of compromise because a successful marriage is full of it.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
