The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my husband for many years. We are both over 60. About eight years ago, I was diagnosed with, had surgery for and rehabbed from a benign brain tumor. It left me with considerable facial paralysis that I had further surgery to repair — all in all, 10 facial surgeries.
Since my initial tumor surgery, my husband has had little to no interest in intimacy. It has been seven years since we have been intimate. His health does not prevent it. I have tried gently discussing the issue with him, telling him I feel it is due to me. He says it’s not but gives no clear reasons.
We are living like roommates. Our relationship otherwise seems as compatible as before. I am not sure how to approach this issue anymore. Any insight or wisdom? — PERPLEXED IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR PERPLEXED: That must have been a frightening and difficult time — it’s good to know you’ve made it past the worst of it. Because your intimacy issues began with a medical event, I recommend finding a certified sex therapist who specializes in illness and injury.
The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (aasect.org) can connect you with a variety of professionals, many of whom offer a telepractice option. Try to get your husband to attend a few sessions with you. Even if he won’t, you can go alone to learn how to regain your confidence and manage any lingering effects of the surgeries.
DEAR ABBY: I’ve struggled with mental illness all my life. I am schizoaffective, but I take my medication and now know what it’s like to live a relatively “normal” life. My problem? That would be my friend “Sharon.” She also suffers from mental illness, but it’s not well controlled even though she says she takes her meds.
Every three months or so, Sharon finds something wrong with what I’ve done or said and sends me a rudely worded “breakup” email or message. A few days later, she realizes what she’s done and apologizes, saying she won’t do it again, but she does do it again.
The last time was the straw that broke the camel’s back for me. After reading what she wrote, I took the high road and didn’t respond. I decided that being her friend is too hard since she’s repeated the same behavior several times. I blocked her from my email and Messenger, and got on with my life.
Abby, she’s not taking “no” for an answer. She created a new email address to contact me, basically begging me to come back and be her friend. I feel torn. While I understand it’s her illness causing the behavior, it’s terribly hurtful. Do you think I should take her back or let sleeping dogs lie? — TORN IN WASHINGTON
DEAR TORN: Either let sleeping dogs lie or understand that the price of a friendship with Sharon will be accepting the fact that she periodically goes off the rails. If you can learn to take it less personally, being her friend may not be as draining.
