The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: Our 24-year-old daughter, “Becca,” and her 26-year-old boyfriend, “Jason,” (the father of our 7-year-old granddaughter) recently bought a home. Jason works only part time — if he works at all — and has no interest in a full-time job.
One issue, however, really weighs heavily on our minds. Whenever we pick up our granddaughter (which we do quite often) we are almost knocked over by the smell of marijuana in their home. My husband and I have voiced our concerns about this more than once, to no avail. Our other children have mentioned the strong odor in her home as well.
My husband and I can’t stand the thought of our granddaughter living in that environment, but we don’t know what we should do about it. Abby, what do you advise? — WORRIED ABOUT THE WEED IN INDIANA
DEAR WORRIED: You and your husband should continue having a serious conversation with your daughter about this. Tell her you smell a strong marijuana odor when you pick your granddaughter up, and that you are worried about her inhaling the smoke, because it’s unhealthy for children. Perhaps she and her boyfriend can choose to smoke outside their house when they feel the need to get high.
Inform them that if the child ever inhales enough secondhand smoke to test positive for THC, there could be serious legal repercussions (beyond the fact that — as you probably know — cannabis use is still illegal in Indiana).
DEAR ABBY: My husband, who is 86, has an indirect communication style. He’ll say something like, “I need to do some pruning on the climbing rose, but it’s too high for me to reach.” I ask specific questions to determine what exactly, if anything, he wants me to do, but his responses are often vague. An example: I will ask, “Are you asking me to set up the ladder for you?” to which he might reply, “I can’t reach the top of the roses.”
No matter how many questions I ask, he resists giving me a direct answer. This frustrates me, and it frustrates him that I don’t get his meaning instantly. Is there anything I can do to cut to the chase so I’ll know what he’s asking me to do? I’m happy to help him; I just want to know what he wants without the interrogation. — VERBAL DANCE PARTNER
DEAR PARTNER: What you have described is normal in households or regions (including East and Southeast Asia and parts of Europe) where people are taught to prioritize the comfort of others. In those cultures, it’s considered rude and aggressive to make a direct request, even of a loved one.
Because he may have learned these values from his parents, know that this may be a lifelong habit that would be hard for him to break. If you ask him directly to change his ways, he may regard that as overbearing. Fortunately, you seem to have mostly cracked the code. You know his offhand remarks are actually requests, so do your best to help in ways that make sense to you. If you sometimes don’t deliver exactly what he’s looking for, it’s up to him to clarify.
