The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: My 33-year-old daughter is getting married, and the mothers have taken over her wedding plans. They want more than 200 guests, a full Catholic ceremony, fine wines, a full bar, plated dinner and a live band.
My daughter wants to please everyone but is not a practicing Catholic. She wants a small, intimate wedding with twinkling lights, a DJ and house wines from the California vineyard venue. Nothing she suggests is acceptable to the mothers, who see the ceremony as a means to impress their friends and business associates.
I divorced her mom years ago, but I’m still involved in my daughter’s life. How can I advise her to take control of her wedding? — DOTING DAD
DEAR DAD: I tend to agree with you that a bride is entitled to the ceremony she wants, but sometimes there is no clear path to that end. No one will ever convince these moms to back off, and the repercussions of an elopement would be devastating.
My advice to the bride and groom is to grin and bear it. Let the mothers impress their friends (as long as they are willing to pay for it all), and the relaxation of the honeymoon will be all the sweeter.
Your daughter can save her more intimate plans for a renewal of vows ceremony held on a milestone anniversary. Obviously, she will want to avoid telling the moms about it until after all the arrangements are in place!
DEAR ABBY: Our son, daughter-in-law and only grandchild live 1,400 miles away. We are able to see them only about three times a year. We have a warm, wonderful relationship. When we last visited, I noticed a picture in his room of our grandson, who is a year-and-a-half old, with his babysitter. There are no pictures of us with him in the entire house. I would like our grandson to have pictures of us so he will remember us. Should I say anything? — REALLY HURT IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR HURT: Because you have a warm, wonderful relationship with your son and his family, the lack of photos of you with your grandson is likely not a deliberate slight. The next time you visit, ask them casually why there isn’t one. Then ask one of them to snap some of the three of you and offer to have one framed for them.
DEAR ABBY: My parents are retired. They live on a limited income and still support my 31-year-old brother, who lives rent-free in their basement. They told me how expensive their electric bill is becoming, and I asked why they don’t have my brother help with expenses or pay rent? Abby, he makes close to $100,000 a year. They quickly changed the subject, and when I tried to circle back, I was told to drop it.
How can I help my parents see that what they are doing is hurting them, not helping their adult son? — THEIR OTHER SON IN MAINE
DEAR SON: There is truth to the adage, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.” Understand that your parents must be deriving some satisfaction from encouraging your brother’s dependency. Your attempt to help them resulted in their becoming defensive, so stop talking to them about it. HOWEVER, you should consider talking to your brother about the fact that the electric bills are now so steep it is causing your parents hardship and suggest he help out. It’s worth a try.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
