The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: When I was 16 and my sister “Daisy” was 18, I found out she was in a sexual relationship with my boyfriend, “Tyler” (also 18). I broke it off. She then asked if I minded her dating him. I’m sure I said I didn’t, but I thought, “Why ask? You were already having sex with him.” (He and I hadn’t.) Tyler and I remained friends through the years. He was my first love.
That episode shaped my dating relationships going forward. It took years for me to learn to trust again. Years later, I asked Daisy why she’d done that, and her response was because she could. We enjoy each other’s company as long as I don’t let the past into my consciousness.
How do I let this go? Saying anything may make things worse — but it really hurts that she betrayed me and never once offered an indication of an apology. — STILL MATTERS IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR STILL MATTERS: Daisy and Tyler both betrayed you. What they did showed a distinct lack of character on both their parts. But this is who they are. You and your sister may enjoy each other’s company, but do not think that the core of her — her character — has changed. That she hasn’t apologized for hurting you, and her answering you in such a flip manner, should serve as a warning about how selfish and insensitive she is to this day.
DEAR ABBY: I don’t live in the same state as my sister, so I used to call her at the same time each week so we could catch up. Her husband, “Dale,” was usually at work on the day I called. Then, Dale got a new job, so he is now home whenever I call.
My problem is that Dale enters the room and talks to her while she is on the phone. She answers him immediately, even if I am in the middle of a sentence. Because this is confusing and annoying, I told her it would probably be better if she called me when she was free to talk. (At no time did I specifically say anything about Dale’s interruptions.) She said, “Fine!” — and that was the last time I heard from her, and it’s been more than five months.
If I reach out to her, I’m sure nothing will change. If I say it’s annoying to allow Dale to interrupt phone calls, she’ll probably get angrier and defend him. I love my sister and miss talking to her. Must I resign myself to never hearing from her again? — SIS INTERRUPTED
DEAR SIS: Call your sister and apologize for letting the silence go on so long. It doesn’t matter how rude she and Dale have been; you need to start communicating again if you want to fix this.
Then, instead of placing all of the responsibility on your sister, why not show her you’re willing to compromise? Now that Dale’s work schedule is predictable, ask your sister to suggest a time for the weekly call when she knows he won’t be around. If that’s not possible, you’ll have to decide whether Dale’s interruptions are annoying enough to lose a sister over.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
