The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: We were friends with a couple we met about five years ago. We went out together a few times and mostly saw them at our neighborhood bar. They live about 30 miles away.
Well, the husband passed away about a year ago, so we offered the wife a bedroom whenever she comes this way so she doesn’t have to drive in the dark. The last time she stayed here, she made a pass at my live-in man. She’s a terrible flirt. She grabbed him and kissed him while I was in the spare room getting it ready for her.
We are no longer comfortable having her stay here and haven’t invited her since. It is so awkward. Am I being unreasonable? Good grief, we are in our 70s and shouldn’t have these teeny-bopper issues. I’m feeling guilty. Help! — MIXED FEELINGS IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR MIXED FEELINGS: Did you invite this woman to stay over because you were concerned about her driving alone at night, or because she had been drinking alcohol? If it’s the latter, it isn’t much of a stretch to imagine her impulse control could diminish to the point that she’d make a pass at your fella.
I don’t think you should ignore this without comment. If she asks you why she’s no longer invited to stay over at your place, tell her that when she grabbed and kissed your companion, she embarrassed him, and the two of you are no longer comfortable with the arrangement. It’s the truth.
DEAR ABBY: My son-in-law, “Ivan,” was raised in a troubled family. His father has many food phobias and drug issues. Ivan has never held a job and still lives with his parents. (My daughter lives there too.)
I see Ivan developing the same issues as his father. He often cancels visits because he thinks he’s sick. The last time, he said he was sick for six weeks. (I’m pretty sure he wasn’t.) Ivan is fearful of foods. His distrust of dishes I have prepared borders on insulting. He’s also a germophobe. If someone coughs anywhere near him, he becomes “sick” soon afterward.
Ivan also doesn’t like being outside because he’s afraid of bees and bugs. He is very controlling of conversations and activities. I don’t think it’s as much a control thing as it is fear. He’s always had mild issues with germs and food, but, lately, they seem to be becoming more extreme.
I can’t talk to my daughter about these things. If I say anything, even in the most careful and neutral way, she explodes at me. I just learned Ivan is on anxiety medication. I hope I’m overreacting, but I’m worried for my daughter’s safety. Are people with extreme anxiety and phobias dangerous to the people around them? — DIAGNOSING IN OHIO
DEAR DIAGNOSING: I have never heard that people with severe anxiety and phobias are dangerous to others. These kinds of problems are life-changing, and the sufferers often live very limited lives, as Ivan and his father (and now your daughter) are. I’m sure that her husband’s limitations affect your daughter greatly, but how she chooses to deal with this situation is her decision. Please do not increase her problems by adding your own worries to her burdens.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
