The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: A longtime friend recently accused me of lying about my education, and I’m still stunned by it. I completed my undergraduate studies in the U.S., earning a BA, and later earned a master’s degree from a French university. Recently, during an exchange on Facebook, my friend asserted, quite confidently, that I was lying about my academic history. When I corrected her, she doubled down and said that because of this, she wanted to cease contact with me.
While this is upsetting given that the accusation is false — I did finish college, and I do have a graduate degree — I am less distraught by her ignorance than by the certainty with which she accused me and the implication that I’m dishonest. I’ve always been straightforward about my background, and I find it unsettling to have my integrity questioned by someone who has known me well for 30 years.
My dilemma is this: Do I owe my friend proof or an explanation beyond what I’ve already said? Or is it reasonable to refuse to defend facts that are true? It seems crazy to lose a friendship of 30 years over something I consider to be so trifling and, quite frankly, stupid. And yet, I’m not sure I even want to be friends with someone who would treat me so callously. What should I do? — WRONGLY ACCUSED IN NEW YORK
DEAR WRONGLY ACCUSED: I am having trouble understanding why you would want to interact with the woman at all after this. (I know I would create some distance.) That said, you deserve to defend yourself from the unjust accusation. If you have access to the documents, photograph them with your phone and share them with her. Then ask where she got the idea that you hadn’t earned your degrees and why you would lie to her or anyone about it.
DEAR ABBY: When did it become OK to use the F-word? I’m a mother, grandmother and great-grandmother who was born in the ’60s. When I was growing up, it wasn’t done, at least in polite circles. I never heard parents say it in front of their children, nor coaches for Little League teams and high school teams. Now I hear it all the time! I don’t say it because I believe I can get my point across without having to use it. But now it is used in normal conversation.
You would think people would have more confidence in their ability to carry on a conversation without using it. I know I do. What has become of our society? What can be said to people who feel it is a part of normal conversation? — DISGUSTED IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR DISGUSTED: The English language is constantly evolving, although some might say it is devolving. The F-word used to be uttered to express pain, anger or shock or for emphasis. However, with overuse, it has lost its “power” and has come into common usage. For many folks who refrain from using the F-word, it is still grating to hear. Feeling as you do, when someone drops an F-bomb in front of you, and it makes you uncomfortable, you might say, “Please don’t use that word with me because it marks you down,” which is how you feel.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
