The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship for almost two years with an incredible man who makes my heart sing. We are both in our mid-30s. I have three children. He has one whom, for lack of better words, his own parents co-parent.
We are at the point in our relationship where I want to marry, move in together and do the whole family thing. He often says he wants to marry me and wants that life, but “not yet.” When I ask him why, he says, “I wish I knew why. I wish I could snap my fingers and make it something I want to do now.”
His parents are amazing, but they always come before anyone else. If he had to choose right now, it would be his parents over me or any of the kids. I feel like I’m in a never-ending cycle of “Is he going to?” or “When will he get there?” What should I do? We’ve had long and extensive conversations, but I don’t feel he is actually trying to “get there.” — WANNABE WIFEY
DEAR WANNABE WIFEY: Your boyfriend clearly likes the status quo. After two years, it’s time to offer him the option of couples counseling. If he refuses and you still want to take the relationship to a higher level, you will have to recognize that nothing is likely to change and act accordingly.
DEAR ABBY: I’ve been with my boyfriend for 12 years. We have two children and a third on the way. Three years ago, we got our family a dog, “Astro,” the love of our lives. She passed away three months ago from heat exhaustion. She was only 2 years old. I was driving while my boyfriend held her as we drove to the vet. She died before we got there.
I am now in grief therapy. I expressed my grief to my boyfriend, and he has expressed his to me. I’m adamant about not wanting another dog. He told me he wanted another one, but that I had nothing to worry about for a while — more than likely, a year. I was OK with it because I felt it would give me time to grieve.
Well, this past weekend, my boyfriend came home with a new dog. He didn’t warn me. The new dog looks exactly like Astro, the same breed and color. I am heartbroken. I feel like my trust has been betrayed. I’ve been a wreck ever since, and I don’t think I can compromise.
This is a no-win situation because one of us will end up unhappy. I’m thinking about ending our relationship over this. Am I being unreasonable or selfish? — OVERWHELMED IN KANSAS
DEAR OVERWHELMED: You are neither unreasonable nor selfish. What your boyfriend did was inconsiderate and underhanded and showed disregard for your feelings. At the very least, you deserve an apology. That dog should be returned to the breeder or rescue from which it came. However, while I don’t blame you for having second thoughts about the relationship after this man’s display of insensitivity, after 12 years (and three kids), ending the relationship may be impractical.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
