The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: I’m a 55-year-old man who dated a very special lady, “Dawn,” for 12 years. We were both married when we met. I fell in love with her, and after we divorced our spouses, we continued being together.
I have two kids. Dawn didn’t get along with the older one. My daughter wasn’t rude, but she obviously didn’t like Dawn. I proposed to Dawn, and she accepted. Over the next few months, she became agitated and threw her engagement ring back at me. I kept it until we figured things out.
Two years later, Dawn ghosted me. I was hurt, so I gave her space. (We reconciled five months later.) Three years later, I finally trusted her enough to ask her about getting married. Then, right at Christmas, she ghosted me again. Six months later, nothing. I texted her after four months to no avail.
I am now in therapy. Abby, I don’t know how to move forward. Sometimes I get these divine messages, signs, dreams, etc. I hesitate to label anyone, but I wonder if I’m dealing with a woman who has a commitment phobia. What should I do now? I have respectfully not contacted her except once. I am heartbroken. I’m not asking if I should wait around. I’m living my life. But these divine messages and signs have me wondering. — DESTROYED IN VIRGINIA
DEAR DESTROYED: I am pleased you are now in therapy, because it is where you belong. I don’t know what your daughter picked up on about Dawn, but perhaps you should ask her. If you do, it may give you some insight. Your therapist may be able to explain what Dawn’s problem is, but whatever it is, it is no longer your problem.
Those dreams, signs and messages you are receiving are not divine; they are proof that your subconscious still hasn’t let go of the fantasy about a future with her. If, heaven forbid, the woman contacts you again, RUN in the opposite direction!
DEAR ABBY: Some people hint that they want to get on our social calendar, yet they expect us to be the ones to invite them. An example: “Say, when are we getting together for dinner?” is repeated often. If they invited us to dinner at a specific place and specific time, it would probably happen, but I’m uncomfortable that they put the burden on us to initiate the event.
Is there a rule of etiquette about this? Why are people like this? I can’t be sure if they are sincere about wanting to get together. Often, I’m just as happy we didn’t meet up, because we have lots of active friendships already. — CLUELESS IN RALEIGH
DEAR CLUELESS: When someone asks, “When are we getting together for dinner?” your answer should be, “As soon as YOU CALL ME so I can make sure we are available.” If you prefer NOT to get together for dinner, all you have to say is, “Our schedule is really full right now. I’ll let you know when we are free.” (Then change the subject.)
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
