The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: My best friend of more than 10 years, “Ian,” ghosted me! We used to talk about everything — wives, children, jobs. We spent hours together and helped each other sort out our problems. He knew more about me than my wife. With no explanation, he stopped responding to texts and messages and is ignoring my calls. I have come to terms with this and deleted him from my social media and social circles. It’s been two years now.
The problem is my wife. Everyone else in my family has removed him from their social circles. However, my wife maintains contact with him. As far as I knew, they were only acquaintances. Yet now they comment on each other’s posts and play online games together. When Ian ghosted me, my wife asked if she should stop playing online with him. I replied, “You’re a big girl. I can’t tell you what to do. But I hope you’ll make the smart choice.” Well, she DIDN’T make the smart choice, or the loyal one.
Recently, one of Ian’s daughters got married, and that’s when I found out Ian and my wife were doing more than just gaming — they were still communicating online. My wife didn’t respond when I asked her why she was still in touch with him. I’m not sure what my next steps should be. I can’t believe my partner would choose to remain in contact with someone who hurt me so badly. I’m also concerned about what Ian might say to my wife, because we used to talk about marital issues we had with our wives. Help! — UNEASY IN CANADA
DEAR UNEASY: When you expressed to your wife that she was a big girl and you didn’t care if she maintained a relationship with Ian, she regarded it as permission. Did you TELL her how deeply you were hurt when Ian ghosted you? If you haven’t, it’s time you did. I can’t predict how she will react, but if she cares about your feelings, she may stop playing games with your former friend. (I can’t help wondering if she knows why Ian cut ties with you so abruptly. Have you asked her?)
DEAR ABBY: A year ago, I became seriously ill. I spent a long time in the hospital and 20 days in rehab learning how to walk again. My daughter told me I should stay in a nursing home and give up on walking. When I refused, she stormed out and hasn’t spoken to me since. I’m back on my feet now, back at work full-time, walking with a cane. I can’t quite bring myself to forgive her for that, because I needed her so badly. How do I resolve this? — DISAPPOINTED MOM IN TENNESSEE
DEAR MOM: Why do I have the feeling that there are facts you may have omitted from your letter? Surely, this didn’t happen out of the blue. Your daughter’s reaction to the fact that you want to live independently is bizarre, unless she was afraid she might have to take care of you. It appears you raised a daughter who is lacking in character and compassion. Resolve this by walking your own path (literally) and deriving support from people who are capable of caring about you.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
