The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: My husband of 4 1/2 years had an old girlfriend he was on and off with for 15 years. She passed away while he was in prison. We got married three months after he was released. The thing is, when he sleeps, almost every night, he says her name and how much he loves her. He says because he’s doing it in his sleep, he doesn’t know he’s doing it. It seems to upset him that I’m upset. He doesn’t want to hurt me. What can I do to deal with it or get him to stop doing it? — DREADS THE BED IN COLORADO
DEAR DREADS: Your husband was on and off with his late girlfriend much longer than he has been married to you. Old habits die hard. If he wakes you when this happens, don’t hesitate to gently wake him. If he asks why you did it, explain that he was talking in his sleep. (Do not be specific about what.) Then try to remember that she is history, and you are right next to him.
DEAR ABBY: I’m a senior widow who has been dating an older man for a year now. He’s caring and thoughtful and has many good qualities, but one thing he does is creating difficulty for me. He constantly stares at other women. I’ve talked with him about a “five-second rule,” but he doesn’t hear me. He told me he was raised by his mother and grandmother and that’s why he’s attracted to women in general. He says it doesn’t mean anything.
I have never been with a man who constantly looks at other women. He also prefers to have women friends rather than men friends. I don’t want to be jealous, but sometimes it’s hard keeping those feelings down. I’m trying to decide whether I should end this relationship or stay in it and try to overcome my feelings of jealousy. — RED FLAG IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR RED FLAG: If this person makes you feel less good about yourself, recognize it IS a red flag. His behavior is insensitive and rude. Because you have asked him to stop staring at women when he is with you and he makes excuses to continue, my advice is to find a companion who is more considerate of your feelings.
DEAR ABBY: My wife of 31 years and I have been fighting over politics and cultural changes in our country. The arguments have cooled down by mutual agreement, but so has our sexual desire for each other. Our marriage consultant has always taken my wife’s position; I am left on my own. I have no support from the rest of my family (three lovely daughters), but I still love and respect my wife. She told me that I must switch my politics to hers or she will leave me. What do I do? — THREATENED IN WISCONSIN
DEAR THREATENED: Tell your wife and her marriage consultant that as your political arguments have dwindled, so has your sex life. It may be time to seek professional counseling with someone else on your own. Your wife’s ultimatum is unrealistic. Unless the two of you can agree to disagree, take her up on her offer.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
