The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: I am a 54-year-old mother of two, a wife and a full-time teacher. My days are long, busy and usually uneventful. Every evening, I am expected to call my 84-year-old mother, who lives a few states away. I oblige, of course, listening patiently to all of her stories, ranting and gossip.
If, for any reason, I happen to fall asleep or forget to call, it’s as if my face will be plastered on a milk carton. The texts and emails start, as well as calls and texts to my husband and sometimes even my children.
Abby, I have tried explaining that this leaves me annoyed and frustrated, only to be dismissed with, “Well guess what X said today?” Or, “Did I tell you what R said to J?” (Yes, you did, in fact, TWICE already). Should I bite my tongue or insist on a better schedule that will hopefully prove to be mutually beneficial? It’s difficult to engage in meaningful conversations when they are forced and mostly one-sided. — BURDENED IN NEW YORK
DEAR BURDENED: It is within your power to curtail the schedule your mother has instituted. However, doing so will require a conversation with her that may not be pleasant for either of you. TELL her you will call her once (or twice) a week, because talking daily isn’t working for YOU. Tell her that if she wants to gossip, she should do it with her contemporaries rather than demand you listen on a daily basis.
Be prepared for the fact that she isn’t going to like it. If she calls your husband or children to complain, ask them to please reiterate to her that you are fine, but you are too busy to talk, and that she should expect your calls at the agreed-upon time.
P.S. If her memory is faulty, she should be evaluated by her doctor.
DEAR ABBY: My husband’s best friend, “Herb,” (aka “Mr. Cheapo”) is getting married for the third time. He’s planning the wedding and suggesting the attendees pay for their meals. I told my husband that Herb is setting himself up for failure again. (Not to mention he’s having his fiancee sign a prenup as he did with his other two wives.) I’m beside myself just thinking about it. Attendees have expenses, too, and what will his fiancee think when people send their regrets or don’t bring a gift?
I’m ready to override my husband’s suggestion not to educate this man on wedding etiquette. Otherwise, Herb’s a super guy, very nice and well-mannered. I know for a fact that his cheapness destroyed his second marriage and a subsequent relationship. Both women complained profusely to me about it before storming out. Should I educate Herb? — SEES THE WRITING ON THE WALL
DEAR “SEES”: From what you have written about Herb, he is not doing what he’s doing out of ignorance. If you would like to be helpful, quietly suggest to his fiancee that when he hands her the prenup document, she have it reviewed by HER OWN LAWYER to avoid any surprises in the future (or she could hand him one of her own).
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
