Dave Says – Show Him the Numbers

 

Dear Dave,

 

My husband and I recently began trying to get out of debt and live on a budget. I love your plan, but he’s having a hard time getting adjusted to keeping track of things. He loves to eat out during the week. I don’t mind this once in a while, but it has gotten to the point where it’s disrupting our budget and our finances. The truth is, it’s getting tough to keep our heads above water financially. I think a lot of this behavior may be stress-related. He recently was forced to take a pay cut at his company, and I’ve been working part-time since then to help us get by. I know he’s hurting and angry about things at his job, but how do I approach him about this?

 

Emily

 

Dear Emily,

 

It’s a tough situation, isn’t it? I’m no psychologist, but I do know people can do all kinds of things when they’re stressed out because of money problems or difficult situations they can’t control. I’m sure taking a salary cut was a blow to his self-esteem. Lot of times guys, in particular, can come to associate their sense of self-worth with their jobs or how much money they make. That’s not a healthy thing. But when behaviors begin having negative impacts on your family or finances, it’s time for a wake-up call.

Your husband is probably a great guy. And everyone deserves a little bit of grace when they’re going through a tough time. But honestly, I think you’ve maybe been a little too nice in your reactions to the situation. You’re kind of acting like an indulgent mother dealing with a little kid, and that’s not a good way for a wife to relate to her husband. No one should have to get a job just so their spouse can go to restaurants all the time. Plus, if you’re seriously trying to get control of your money, the only time either of you should see the inside of a restaurant is if you’re working there to earn extra cash.

A married man has several responsibilities in life. And one of the most important ones is taking care of his family. Your husband is down right now. He’s feeling bad about himself as a man and a provider. But that doesn’t mean he gets to have a pity party for months on end. Especially when the cost of that party is putting you both in financial jeopardy.  

What your husband needs right now is a change of heart and lots of encouragement. He also needs his eyes opened to what his behavior is doing to your finances and your relationship. You said you love my plan, right? Sit down with this guy, and have a caring, loving conversation about what you’re seeing and what’s going on. Let him know, first and foremost, that you love him and you’re worried about him. Let him know you want to help. But you’ve also got to show him the numbers. Let him see, in black and white, the results of his actions. 

You two can work through this, Emily. Just hold his hand and be there for him. Hug on him a lot, and let him know you’re proud of him. And let him know that together, you guys will get through this and make things better.

— Dave