The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been happily married for 12 years. We have a beautiful family — a 12-year-old daughter and a 10-year-old son. My husband is not close with his side of the family. We are very close to mine. My husband has a brother my kids have never met. He has two great-nieces and one great-nephew whom none of us have met. He does maintain a relationship with his parents. They usually visit once a year, as we live out of state.
When my husband and I wed, we were in our 30s, we both had established careers, owned our own homes and lived complete lives. I kept my last name. My husband said he would talk to his parents about it because I had a feeling they would not approve. Fast-forward to the present: They always address my mail to “Mrs. Bob Jones.” I find this hurtful. It’s usually a birthday card, but it still feels bad.
Am I a terrible person? I have asked my husband to talk to them about it, but he refuses. He thinks I need to let it go. But it’s hard to feel love and appreciation for people who don’t accept me at a basic level. What do you think? — WRONG NAME IN TEXAS
DEAR WRONG NAME: You obviously don’t have a close relationship with your in-laws, and I’m sure there is more than one reason for it. If you raise the issue of how the envelope is addressed, it will likely drive the wedge deeper between you and them, which is why I agree with your husband. Let it go. However, because seeing it grates on you, feel free to toss it in the circular file as you would any other piece of junk mail.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 56-year-old divorcee after a 30-year marriage. I have been dating a man I’ll call “Tom” for the past 2 1/2 years. I love my time with him, except when we are out — he is constantly looking at young women. They smile back at him because he’s smiling at them. He is definitely feeding his ego, and he has said he knows he has to stop looking for young women and settle with someone his age with whom he has more in common.
When he sits at a table next to me, he turns his chair in their direction instead of toward the table like a normal person. I know this is disrespectful. My heart drops to my stomach when he does it. Everything is perfect when we’re not in these situations. Is it possible to love a man and ignore this one bad feeling he gives me? I feel like it’s slim pickings at my age, and he’s so good in so many other ways. — FOCUSED ON HIM IN LOUISIANA
DEAR FOCUSED: Yes, it is possible to love someone and ignore the one flaw in the diamond. But what should concern you is not that he looks at young women, but that he actually said he needs to “settle” with someone his age (with whom he has more in common). From what you have written, he doesn’t appear to be doing a good job of that, and the sinking feeling in your stomach when he’s not fully present when you’re out together is your intuition telling you that you are not safe with him.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
