The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: My siblings and I are estranged. I live in a different state. My brother and I never got along and stopped speaking many years ago. My older sister and I, after a long, toxic relationship, finally had a blowout after Dad passed. We haven’t spoken since. My younger sister took my older sister’s side and doesn’t speak to me either.
I have communicated briefly via text and email with all my siblings regarding my parents’ trust and final matters. My sisters still insist on texting me birthday wishes. Because of this, I feel obligated to send them a birthday text as well. I stress out weeks before their birthdays because of it.
I felt peaceful after becoming estranged from my older sister. I have many feelings of resentment toward all my siblings for having taken advantage of my parents, especially this older sister. She lived with them rent-free for many years. She refused to get a job and wouldn’t help out — not even to clean their room when they were elderly. Doesn’t estrangement include birthdays as well? Why do I feel this way? — ESTRANGED 364 DAYS IN ARIZONA
DEAR ESTRANGED: There is such a thing as righteous indignation. It appears this is what you may feel toward your siblings. Whatever closeness there may have ever been seems to have evaporated many years before your parents’ deaths. Family estrangement is defined as the loss of a previously existing relationship between family members through physical or emotional distancing. This appears to accurately describe you and your siblings. If you prefer not to exchange birthday greetings, stop doing it. I suspect that once you quit responding and reciprocating, those greetings will cease.
DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, one of my best friends took her life. I’d known her since we were in our freshman year. We dated for nearly a year while still in school before deciding to break up and remain as friends. She was much closer to me than that, though. She was like a sister. I loved her so much.
Each year on the anniversary of her death, I go somewhere new, someplace she would have wanted to see had she lived. I know nothing I could have done would have stopped her. I understand that. But Abby, how do I stop feeling like I could have done more? I don’t want to feel guilty anymore. I just want to remember her. I just want to love her. — HER ‘SISTER’ IN MICHIGAN
DEAR ‘SISTER’: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your dear friend. The feelings you are having after her death — regardless of the circumstances — are normal. Did we do enough? Could we have done more? Is it all right to go on with our life? The term for this is survivor guilt. A way to better cope with these feelings about her loss might be to join a grief support group or talk them through with a licensed therapist.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
