The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: I own a lake cabin and enjoy hosting friends and relatives. Even though I don’t have a pet myself, I like animals and don’t mind if people ask to bring their dogs, because the ground floor is linoleum that’s easy to clean when the inevitable sand and water get tracked in.
Last year, I invited my niece and her husband to spend the weekend, and they showed up with their large, long-haired dog. Even though they hadn’t asked in advance, I didn’t have a problem with it until it was time to go to bed. They brought their dog to bed with them in the upstairs guest room. I was so surprised I didn’t know what to say.
Dogs have never gone upstairs before, much less rolled around in the bed. They have either slept downstairs on their own, or their owners brought crates or had the dogs sleep in their cars. After the couple left, I had to deep-clean the room to remove the dog hair, including dusting, vacuuming (it is carpeted) and washing all the bed linens (comforter, shams, throws, etc.). I usually just spiff up the room and change the sheets in preparation for the next visitors.
Abby, this couple is coming to the cabin again, and I assume they still have the dog. Should I broach the subject, after setting a precedent during their last visit, or resign myself to the extra cleaning? My relationship with this niece is cordial but slightly strained due to some past family history, so what’s more important — relationships or a clean room? — CABIN HOST IN MINNESOTA
DEAR HOST: They are both important. You can clean up a room, but you can’t repair a severed relationship as easily. That said, avoid this dilemma in the future by explaining your house rules to your niece BEFORE she, her husband and her dog come to the cabin again. Ideally, it should have been done when you and your niece discussed her visiting a second time.
DEAR ABBY: A friendship of 40 years has fallen apart because he refuses to stand up for himself to his wife. She has dominated him throughout their many decades of marriage. Like any narcissist, she managed to isolate him from his family and move him to remote places where he knew no one. Now she is terminally ill and refusing to allow him to move where his family could help him care for her.
His family and I feel the same. Like any narcissist, she has also turned him against me. Along the way, they have made terrible and troubling financial decisions. It is too painful to watch, so I’ve withdrawn from the friendship rather than support these bad decisions. Was that the right thing to do? — FORMER FRIEND IN IOWA
DEAR FORMER FRIEND: Yes, it was the right thing to do. Because your friend’s wife still controls who may be in contact with her husband, even in her weakened condition, you had little choice but to step back. Once she passes, offer support to him. He is going to need it.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
