The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: Eight years ago, my husband of 26 years had a stroke, and his personality changed. He was difficult to deal with, but, with time, his old personality came back, and things got better.
Two years ago, he finally kicked a longtime prescription drug habit. Our finances improved almost overnight (for which I am grateful), but his personality changed again. This change has been neither pleasant nor easy to deal with. Some days, he gets angry with me for talking to him about even the simplest things, like traffic or the weather.
Don’t get me wrong — I don’t want him to go back to abusing drugs, but I want my best friend back. For at least a year now, I’ve been begging him to go to marriage counseling with me. He says he will but has put no effort into finding a counselor. He grew up in the small town we live in, so I want him to choose the counselor because I may accidentally choose someone he knows and doesn’t want to talk to.
I’m afraid he will never make an appointment, so should I just find a counselor for myself? I don’t want to throw away 26 years of marriage, but some days, all I think about is running away. — SADDENED ON THE EAST COAST
DEAR SADDENED: I don’t know what could be the cause of your husband’s anger, and neither will you until you get to the bottom of it. Do not allow the fact that he is stalling prevent you from consulting a licensed marriage and family therapist.
Compile a list of counseling services not only in your town but also some neighboring communities. Once you have the names, show the list to your husband and ask if he knows any of them. Then make an appointment for both of you with one or MORE therapists and interview them. If he refuses to accompany you, go on your own.
DEAR ABBY: Not long ago, my husband replaced the key entry lock on the front door of our house with a digital one. Ever since, the door does not latch when you go in or out. (It “bounces” and doesn’t catch.) I’ve told him it needs to be fixed, but he insists I need to “just pull it.” Abby, this door always latched before. Workers come in and out of the house, and I’m very concerned.
My husband is fighting me tooth and nail on this for some odd reason, and I’m ready to leave him. I told him I will get the door fixed (on his credit card) if he doesn’t do it. He still refuses. I’m done! I want a secure front door. What the hell is wrong here? We’ve been married 40 years. Do you recommend a divorce attorney? — UNSAFE IN TEXAS
DEAR UNSAFE: I do not recommend a divorce attorney. You deserve to feel safe in your own home. Stop fighting with your husband, become proactive and get the darn door fixed. Because he won’t help, remember the adage, “If you want something done right, do it yourself,” then step forward and take charge.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
