The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: I am a man in my late 60s who hasn’t had a family birthday party since I was a child. My mother’s birthday is seven days from mine, so celebrations were always for her, and mine were sort of lost in the shuffle. This was never a problem for me when I was younger, but as I get older, I think it would be nice to have a party.
When I was 50, there was a surprise party for me, but shortly after the party started, I was informed that I was sharing the event with Mom. When we sat down together to open gifts, Mom had many, and I had few. Later, many guests apologized and said they had not been told the party was for me, just Mom.
I may have appeared upset, but, because I did not want to hurt her feelings, I told my sister I was uncomfortable being celebrated. She spread this to other family members, which is the reason everyone has avoided celebrations for me ever since. Is this fixable without hurting anyone, or has this misunderstanding doomed me to a partyless life? — NOT A PARTY ANIMAL
DEAR NOT A PARTY ANIMAL: You are not “doomed.” You just need to start taking responsibility for your own parties. For the next few years, organize your birthday gatherings exactly the way you want them to be. Be clear in your invitation that the party is for you only. (Also make sure someone plans a separate soiree for Mom.) This will show others you are open to celebrating yourself. It will also let them know how you like your parties in case they decide to surprise you again in the future.
DEAR ABBY: I live in an apartment complex for low-income elderly or disabled people. It’s not assisted living; if we need help, we must hire whatever help isn’t covered by insurance.
The 94-year-old man next door has become 100% bedridden and has requested to go to a nursing home. He is also very hard of hearing and completely immobile. The woman who cares for him (and also has power of attorney) does a good job when she’s there, but she is social and is consistently late because she stops outdoors and talks to other residents before coming in to tend to him. Today she drove in at 8:30 a.m. but didn’t come inside until after 9, meaning he’d been left for more than 18 hours between meals and changing.
Often he calls out for help, but at 85, I cannot and should not try to help him. It’s upsetting. Is there something I can do? Should I just mind my own business? — FRUSTRATED NEIGHBOR
DEAR NEIGHBOR: It’s understandable that you’re upset. This man needs to be moved to a nursing home immediately if not sooner. Have you spoken to the caregiver? She’ll need to coordinate between his insurance company, the state or local department of senior services, and possibly Medicaid. If you’re feeling generous, offer to help her research what’s needed to get him into a safer environment.
