The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: I’m a Chinese man born in the United States. My girlfriend, whom I’ve yet to meet in person, lives in China and is 24 years younger than I am. (I live in California.) We’re awaiting approval of paperwork with the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Service. We have both been divorced twice. She has a grown son (single) in his 30s in Japan. My two children are in their 50s and self-sufficient.
We both are Christian and educated. Her English proficiency is fair to good. I’m a physician; she’s a teacher. We are kind, gentle, patient people. We plan to meet and, hopefully, marry. She would relocate to the U.S., and I might continue to work part time. From what I’ve told you, how would you rate our chances of marital success? — HOPING FOR THE BEST
DEAR HOPING: Are you ABSOLUTELY certain that this woman is who she says she is? Many people have been duped by someone they met on the internet. Have you discussed this with your adult children, who might be more tech-savvy? (I hope so!)
You and this woman have never seen each other in person and have no idea what the chemistry between the two of you would be like. When she arrives, take sufficient time to get to know each other, observe each other in various situations (including stressful ones) and figure out whether your personalities and lifestyles mesh. Because of these unanswered questions, I think your chances of success are about 50-50.
DEAR ABBY: My parents are in their early 70s and have been married 51 years. They have two homes — one in the Midwest and another in the South. They used to go back and forth between them together, but for the past two years, they have basically lived in separate states.
In total, they spend about two months a year together, and Mom complains nonstop when they are together. She is concerned only with herself and having fun, and she has progressively ignored my dad, my brother, her grandchildren and me. I’m so angry with her that I think my dad should divorce her. She stays with him only for his money and admits it to me and all of her friends.
Should I tell Dad to divorce her? I don’t understand why he puts up with her behavior. I’m convinced once he dies (his health is worse than hers), we will never hear from her again. — FRUSTRATED AND HURT IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR FRUSTRATED: Many marriages are close and loving ones; others are what I would call “arrangements.” Your parents apparently have the latter because it may work better for them (possibly for religious or financial reasons) than divorce.
Please refrain from telling your father what to do. I have a strong hunch he has thought this through. As to your relationship with dear old Mom, you have my sympathy. You may need a therapist to deal with her selfishness and rejection of you, your brother and the grandchildren.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
