The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: How can I tell if my husband loves me? We have been married 41 years, and during our entire marriage he’s been cheating on me with other women. He takes good care of me and is always there for me and our family. We hardly have sex. I try to give him a romantic kiss, but he only gives me a peck.
I have suggested that we go on date nights and go out to breakfast or dinner once or twice a month. I also told him that we should be jumping all over each other because our kids are grown and on their own with their own families. My gut instinct tells me he is still cheating. What should I do? — DISILLUSIONED IN ARIZONA
DEAR DISILLUSIONED: Your husband may love you, but not in the way you would like him to. Or he could be following his usual pattern but staying married to you because he doesn’t want the expense of a divorce. If your gut instinct tells you he is still cheating, he probably is, and you should be tested for STDs. (Sorry.) If you want proof that he has been straying, hire a private detective. If you are right, you will then have to decide whether you want to stay married under these circumstances.
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DEAR ABBY: I recently turned 80, and my health is excellent. I have worked hard to become financially independent, I have long-term care insurance and an elevator in my home so I can stay, and I exercise regularly.
My friends have collectively and individually started a not-so-subtle campaign to move in with me or for all of us to buy a house together. I call this the “Golden Girls Campaign Movement.” I love my friends, but I also love my independence. I have repeated this tactfully numerous times, and on one occasion replied bluntly, “Never happening.” But it’s falling on deaf ears. I want friends, not roommates. Help! — ANNOYED IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR ANNOYED: From now on, when your friends raise the subject, smile and say, “I want friends, not roommates. I prefer to live independently.” Repeat it as often as necessary. It’s the truth.
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DEAR ABBY: My brother-in-law was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. He’s a retired doctor and knows what to expect in the coming years. We’re a close family and are always honest with each other. My wife and I do not know the best ways to support my sister. She is also a health professional who knows what is in store. Any help you may suggest will be shared among our family members, as we want to present a united approach. — FAMILY IN OREGON
DEAR FAMILY: I’m sorry for your brother-in-law’s diagnosis. Because he and his wife are well-equipped to tell you what they will need from you, ask them. Refrain from “going the extra mile” with assistance they have not requested. (You do not want to smother them.)
Closeness and honesty will be your greatest assets as you navigate this chapter of your BIL’s life. For additional support, the Alzheimer’s Association (alz.org) has resources, both for the affected person and for caregivers.
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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
