The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my wife for two years. We met online and have known each other for about five years. We originally lived an hour apart, and after some persuasion, we bought a condo together.
Everything was going great until I began to notice my wife’s attraction to other women. I noticed lesbians “cruising” my wife wherever we went, whether we were on vacation or just at the grocery store. I also believe she’s finding women online and having sex with them. I don’t think she’s gay — but just enjoys the sex part. Also, she still has sex with me.
I hate the fact that all this is done in secret. She denies anything is happening, but I’ve caught her in many lies. We are retired and living off both our savings, but most of it is hers. I don’t know if I could survive on just my savings. She’s also threatened to take a lot of my savings through litigation. I’m stuck. I love her, but I can’t continue this farce. Help, please. — NERVOUS IN NEW ENGLAND
DEAR NERVOUS: Your wife may not be gay, but if your hunch is accurate, she is certainly bisexual. However, you have more problems than her having sex outside your marriage. Equally troubling are her threats to help herself to your savings and the fact that when you ask her something, you don’t necessarily get a straight answer.
You may love your wife, but I don’t see how you can stay married and be happy under these conditions. You should consider whether you are at risk for an STD. You may need to talk about this with a lawyer.
One more thing: You stated that you are afraid you can’t survive financially if you leave her. Because you both invested in the condo, wouldn’t you be entitled to half the money from its sale? Think about how you were managing to survive before you met her, and consider whether you can live that way again.
DEAR ABBY: I am in love with a married woman. I was in love with her many years ago. Before she was married, she knew I was in love with her, but she lied to me and led me on. Despite knowing how I felt about her, she got married, leaving me devastated. Now, many years later, I am still in mourning and haunted by “what if?” I know I can never move on from her, and it seems like things will never change. So what do I do? — ABANDONED IN ARIZONA
DEAR ABANDONED: When I was young, I was in love with Steve Reeves and Robert Redford (not at the same time, though). Unfortunately, they were both taken — and not with me. If you want to waste any more of your life pining after a woman who lied to you, led you on and married someone else, that is your privilege. If, however, you would like to get beyond your lingering emotional pain, you will ask your physician or insurance company for the name of a licensed psychologist. You CAN move on, but it will require concerted effort.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
