The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: I was in an abusive relationship for 15 years that affected my children badly. I have had emotional problems since I was a child, which caused me to stay in the relationship long past the point I should have left.
My two daughters left home at 16 and 13 to live with their fathers. Both of their fathers allowed the girls to smoke and consume alcohol and drugs. I was still trying to wrap my head around my abusive relationship, which I stayed in for about eight years on and off after my youngest left. It affected my emotional state, and the abuse worsened.
Both of my daughters quit school and had children young. Their lives and potential were ruined, and they still struggle. They were fragile birds who suffered broken wings as a result of my relationship, and I can’t forgive myself.
Although I finally left for good, they still don’t let me be their mother in a way I should be. Every day I suffer emotionally because of the state of all our lives, and I’m really hurting inside. I don’t think these feelings will ever go away or subside. Please help me. — DYING INSIDE IN NEW ENGLAND
DEAR DYING: Before you can help your daughters, you are going to have to help yourself. A way to begin would be to reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org), which offers counseling for abused spouses. It offers local resources in every state.
In order for your daughters to heal themselves, they will first have to admit they, too, need help. While it may be too late for you to “mother” your daughters in the way you would like, there may be help for them if they are willing to admit they need it. The National Domestic Violence Hotline can tell them where to find it when they’re ready.
DEAR ABBY: Our niece became acquainted with a man through a website. They have been “dating” for more than four years now. Here is the thing: He refuses to be introduced. With one exception, none of her family or friends has met her boyfriend.
My wife and I have invited them to our home, but they have turned down all offers. He has conveniently been elsewhere at family events, such as her child’s wedding, birthday parties and holiday meals. Oddly, she has met his family and keeps up with them on social media.
I have discussed this with others in the family and have been told by some that “it’s her life.” (No argument there.) I respect their privacy, but if her family has meaning to either of them, shouldn’t we meet him? — IGNORED UNCLE IN TENNESSEE
DEAR UNCLE: It does seem odd that with “one exception” no one in the family has met your niece’s boyfriend. Because this is so concerning to you, perhaps you should pick up a phone and discuss this with her. Is there something that she is hiding, such as cultural or religious differences? Is there an age disparity? Could the gentleman be incarcerated? There is always a reason. You won’t know unless you ask.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
