The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: Four years ago, after our family gathering for Christmas, my brother-in-law sent me a message saying I looked “sexy” in my sweater. I replied, “thanks.” A year later, at another family gathering, he sent me messages asking about my car, which led to sexual advances. I tried to avoid his advances by being nice and redirecting them to what a great husband and father he is. His reply was, “Good answer!”
His advances kept coming, and he sent me a photo of a naked woman taking a shower and asked me to send him one just like it, but of me. Confused and insulted, I called my other sister to seek advice. I then sent him a message telling him never to contact me again, and I blocked him. I never told my sister (his wife) because I didn’t want to be the problem in their marriage. I was afraid she would blame me.
My other sister said, “If he’s doing this to you, he’s doing it to others as well.” Five months later, he got caught. He had been having affairs with multiple women for three years. He and my sister separated, and he moved out, but my sister wanted him home so badly that she could hardly function.
Believe it or not, it took a few years, but now they are back together and doing well. The problem: I don’t ever want to see him again. Our family was hurt by him, and we don’t want him around us. My mom is turning 80 this year and wants a big party with ALL her family. How do I tell my sister not to bring her husband? To make my sister happy, Mom has forgiven him, but the rest of us have not. How can we handle this without hurting my mom or my sister? — CAN’T GO BACK IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR CAN’T GO: Your mother may only have a milestone birthday like this one once. Hold your nose, attend the party, be polite, avoid your sister’s husband as much as possible and try to make the occasion as memorable for your mother as you can. Once it’s over, you may not have to see this brother-in-law again until her funeral.
DEAR ABBY: I haven’t spoken to my daughter in almost seven years. When I got in trouble and was arrested for drugs, my daughter told me she didn’t want her children around a drug addict. I have been clean and sober since then.
I text my daughter at least once a week. She has four children I have never met. She doesn’t answer my texts or phone calls. I miss her very much. I want a chance to show her that people can change and get better. I’m sad and lonely without her family in my life. Should I give up? — UNACCEPTED MOM AND GRANDMA
DEAR UNACCEPTED: Your daughter may not believe in rehabilitation, or your bridges may have already been burned seven years ago. Because you have received no response in seven years, recognize that it’s time to stop pushing her as hard as you have been. Give her the space she wants and cultivate relationships that will reward you in return.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
