The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: I’m a man younger than my age married to a woman who is older than hers. Ten years ago, we couldn’t get along, so we separated. While separated, I met a wonderful woman, “Cynthia.” We became friends with benefits and fell in love.
A year later, my wife got cancer. Since her family lived out of state and had lives of their own, I moved back in to take care of her. After eight years of battling her cancer, she has recovered. She can no longer drive or do heavy tasks and needs a walker. Mentally and physically, she’s not ready for a nursing home.
I ran into Cynthia a year ago and we became friends again. I explained how I was, for the time being, taking care of my wife and told her I looked forward to the time we could be together. For 12 years, I had sex with no one other than Cynthia. Eventually, she wanted more. She has now shut me out of her life, which I completely understand. I miss her and think about her all the time.
My wife has no one but me to take care of her. What can I do? I get no affection at home, and Cynthia will no longer talk to me. Do I try to win her back, or must I be a caregiver for the rest of my life and suffer every minute of the day? — FOR BETTER OR WORSE
DEAR F.B.O.W.: Before making any decisions, do more research about what options are available for your wife other than you being her caregiver or a nursing home. In many places, assisted living facilities offer help as needed on a sliding scale.
Your marriage ended when you and your wife separated. (You should have made it official at that time.) If you felt the need to become her caregiver after that, you could have done it on different terms. Actually, you still may have that option.
Once you know how to see to it that your wife gets the care she needs, check if Cynthia is still available. I can’t promise she will be. Twelve years is a long time to have invested in a relationship that didn’t move forward.
DEAR ABBY: My sister and I are estranged, due to her history of drama and stirring up trouble. She has recently begun sending me nasty voicemails and texts. She had a bitter divorce several years ago and no longer has a relationship with her daughter or grandchildren. Because she’s miserable, she is now trying to make me miserable. I’ve been ignoring her and not engaging, but I’m tired of it. Should I confront her? (She’s not someone who’s reasonable.) — SISTER DISASTER IN TENNESSEE
DEAR SISTER DISASTER: Tell your troubled sister that you are sorry she is hurting, but you are no longer willing to let her take out her frustration on you, which is why, if you receive another nasty phone call or text from her, you will block her. Then follow through.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
