The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: My 32-year-old son has an alcohol problem. He and his wife refuse to accept reality and continue to be social drinkers. My son deals with his problem by putting his head in the sand. He refuses to talk to us or answer any of our texts or calls.
When he does decide to join us for a holiday or other occasion, my son acts like nothing is wrong. On numerous occasions, I have helped get him the support and therapy he obviously needs, only to see him throw away 30-plus days of sobriety so they could go to a friend’s wedding or something similar. I’m done.
I have a will leaving everything to my two children 50-50, and I’m now questioning that decision. My daughter is a hardworking wife and mother; my son hasn’t worked in more than a year. His wife supports them. I don’t want to create a rift between my daughter and son in case he ever does decide to smarten up. But I also don’t want to throw my hard-earned assets away or, worse, provide a means for him to drink himself to death.
I have tried going to Al-Anon for advice and didn’t find it useful. How can a parent make this type of decision? — WRESTLING WITH IT IN COLORADO
DEAR WRESTLING: You are not alone in having this dilemma. A sizable number of the parents of addicts share it. Because your son doesn’t have the ability to abstain if he is someplace where liquor is served, the person to talk with is the attorney who helped you write your estate plan. Whether this means cutting him out of your will completely or establishing some kind of trust for him, I can’t guess. But an attorney who specializes in wills and trusts can point you in the right direction.
DEAR ABBY: I’m a 76-year-old divorcee with two adult children. There’s this 60-year-old man with three grown children who is in the process of getting a divorce. He was my contractor four years ago, and we had a friendly relationship that deepened last year.
This man has been trying to get a divorce for eight years and now hopes to finalize it later this year. He knows I wasn’t going to get involved until he was divorced and understood my position. He has never lied to me and has always let me know what’s happening with the divorce.
My friends think I’m too old and he’s too young for us to be involved. The age difference doesn’t bother me. We get along well, and the difference doesn’t make either of us uncomfortable. How can I get my friends to not be concerned and let me be? — CALIFORNIA COUGAR
DEAR COUGAR: Your friends mean well. They are trying to protect you from what they perceive may be a threat. However, because the age difference doesn’t bother either of you, quit allowing their concerns to affect you. Continue to enjoy each other, and don’t be surprised if your boyfriend isn’t eager to immediately remarry. Live your life. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
