The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: I am in my late 30s. I live halfway across the country from my parents and don’t have the best relationship with them. I also have a brother four years younger from whom I have been estranged for 20 years. He lives in the same city as my parents.
My problem is, if I visit, my parents (especially my mom) will tell my brother and invite him over. I don’t like my brother and don’t want to see him. I will not reconcile with him because he did some horrible things to me 20 years ago for which I can never forgive him.
With my parents, things don’t get through to them unless I take drastic measures. How can I convey my desire not to see him? My plan would be to tell them they must agree not to invite him to their house while I’m there — and if they can’t respect my wishes, I simply won’t see them.
I’m not worried about being without lodging because I have friends I can stay with there. In fact, I have made several trips to that city without visiting my parents. What is your perspective on how I can “lay down the law” and enforce it? — INDEPENDENT IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR INDEPENDENT: Have an honest conversation with your parents. Explain what happened between you and your brother. Emphasize that you do not wish to see him again — ever. Tell them you would like to visit them, but you do not want your brother to be informed or invited over while you are there. If they cannot agree, explain (without hostility) that you will skip the visit. This is not “laying down the law”; it is creating a boundary.
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I welcomed our third child into the world six months ago. Since then, my wife has been diagnosed with postpartum depression and has cheated on me multiple times. She has now moved out. She is dating a woman and wants a divorce.
Despite all of this, I have forgiven her, and I still love her. Her behavior is negatively affecting our other children, but she refuses to acknowledge its impact and won’t listen to me or talk to me about it. She refuses to go to counseling and acts like everything is my fault. How should I handle this? — DISTRAUGHT HUSBAND IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR HUSBAND: If you had no hint that your wife was bisexual before this, it must have been a shock. As I see it, there are two ways to handle this. The first would be to talk with a licensed mental health professional and ask if that person can give you some insight into whether postpartum has caused your wife’s behavior. None of this is your fault, and it may not be your wife’s fault either.
The second way is to start interviewing lawyers who specialize in family law. While you can’t force your wife to stay married to you, you can make sure your children spend as much time with their father as possible.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
