Dave Says – Don’t Kick a Guy When He’s Down (but Don’t Let Him Throw a Pity Party, Either)

Dear Dave,

 

Our son used to own and run his own small business, until it went bankrupt a few months ago. We let him move in with us, because he hasn’t been able to find another job and had nowhere else to turn. My husband and I are both getting close to retirement age, and we’re not sure what to do in order to get our son on his feet and back out in the world again.  

 

Elisabeth

 

Dear Elisabeth,

 

As a parent, I understand where you’re coming from. You don’t want to kick a kid when he’s down, but you don’t want to participate in, or allow him to wallow around in, a bunch of self-pity. Everyone needs a little time to catch their breath when really bad things happen. But right now, you need to help him reset his mind and start taking practical steps toward being a productive, self-sufficient adult again.

First off, let’s define what helping your son really means. In my mind, you haven’t helped him at all if he’s still living with you a year from now. That’s called being an enabler. But it’s not going to help him if you just shove him out the door saying, “You’re a man! Handle it!” I think you and your husband—together—should formulate a progressive plan somewhere between those two extremes. One that includes a deadline date for him to move out, but in the meantime helps him rebuild his dignity and self-respect.

As part of living with you, I’d require him to do a few things. One is that he abides by your household rules. If he’s going to live in your home, he should help out around the place and behave in ways you and your husband consider appropriate. Another, is thinking about career steps. He could start with a part-time job to get some money in his pockets. Then, help him actively work on long-term career goals and how to attain them.

And don’t let him neglect his physical and mental wellbeing during all this. He needs to be engaged in some kind of regular physical activity, even if you and your husband pay for it temporarily. An inexpensive gym membership, or used exercise equipment would be a great start. Exercise also stimulates the mind, and he needs that right now, too.

Going through what your son has experienced is tough on anyone, at any age. It can lead to depression if you don’t engage regularly in activities and goal setting. Encourage him, Elisabeth. Walk with him during this time. If he’s not involved with a good church, this would be a great time for him to start looking for one.

Your son has plenty of productive years ahead of him. He just needs a little love and support to get him back on his feet and moving again.

 

— Dave