The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: My father and I have had a contentious relationship since I was a teenager. Despite being raised in his house, my values are different from his, and he takes it personally. I left home as soon as I was old enough and have lived the way I want since then.
After a couple of years of not seeing each other, my father asked if we could be in more regular contact. We tried that, and it went badly. Every conversation ended in a fight. When I told him we needed a family counselor to help us find common ground, he absolutely refused. Now he’s telling our relatives that I cut off contact with him and am keeping him from my kids. This isn’t true. I wanted us to work with a mediator to find a healthier way of talking with each other. I am no longer sure it is realistic.
He is involving my siblings, aunts and cousins and making them choose sides. How do I protect the relationships I have with the rest of my family if he keeps acting like a jerk? For what it’s worth: My life is pretty boring. I’m 30 and married, and I have a college degree and a solid job. We live in a house in a nice neighborhood and watch our kids play soccer on the weekends. — MY OWN MAN IN MISSOURI
DEAR OWN MAN: How has that isolation plan of your father’s been working? Do you have good relationships with the rest of your family? If you haven’t already, give your relatives chapter and verse about your father’s controlling behavior. Make it clear to them that you would like to have a relationship with your dad, but unless he is willing to accept professional mediation, you cannot have one. You have all the ingredients for a happy life. It will be yours if you can resist your father’s coercion.
DEAR ABBY: My mother passed away recently, and my brother, who lives nearby, is clearing out her house. He asked me if there was anything I wanted from the house, and I told him I wanted the photographs of my children when they were young, which I had sent to my mother over the years, as I live overseas. I suggested he send them to my daughter in New York, as she will be coming to visit me in a few months and can bring them.
My brother mailed the pictures, and my daughter opened the package. Upon seeing the pictures, she decided she wanted to keep the ones she is in and to pass to her sister (also in New York) the ones she is in. She claims they are hers. I say they are not. She was only meant to be a messenger to bring them to me. I offered to make copies or to scan them and email them to her. She is now not speaking to me. Who is right, and what should I do? — PICTURE-LESS IN ISRAEL
DEAR PICTURE-LESS: You are right. As you stated, the pictures could have been copied for your daughters if they wished. That your daughter is no longer speaking to you over this tells me there may be other family issues between you and your daughters. If I were you, I’d take this into consideration when drafting my will.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
