The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: My fiancee and I have been arguing almost every day. We have been verbally and emotionally hurting each other. I love her very much, but she has a severe alcohol disorder, and I want her to stop drinking. She keeps begging me for money whenever she runs out of her own. She wants me to buy her more alcohol, but I refuse. She has been mean and abusive to the people she loves, including me.
I suffer from anxiety and depression and see a therapist to deal with my mental health. My therapist suggested that my fiancee and I have couples counseling, but we are on a waiting list. I am also looking into attending Al-Anon meetings for support. I don’t know what else to do to save my relationship. Please help. — DEPRESSED IN NEW YORK
DEAR DEPRESSED: Between you and your therapist, I’d say you have your ducks pretty well in a row. Because you and your alcoholic fiancee are wait-listed for couples counseling, start getting more of the emotional support you need by attending those Al-Anon meetings. Dealing with an angry, manipulative addict can be soul-crushing. Joining that community will give you insight and perspective.
Please remember that saving your relationship isn’t a solo effort. At some point, your fiancee must decide which to choose: her drinking or you. If she can’t give up the bottle, you may need to save yourself. I am glad you have a therapist.
DEAR ABBY: I’m 45 years old and have a friend from the military I’ve known for more than 25 years. A couple of years ago, he asked to move into my one-bedroom apartment to help him deal with retirement and straighten out his bills, debt and child support. I agreed because I had started working on the road and wasn’t in a relationship. He sleeps on the couch, and I’m fine with that. He also helps with half the rent and the utility bill.
The problem is, when I come home from the road, I find he hasn’t cleaned AT ALL. He keeps my place very dirty. The AC is filthy, the bathroom is moldy and messy from his hair dye, and the kitchen is greasy from his cooking. My living and dining rooms are full of his stuff. He also doesn’t take hints when I have company over.
I love him like a brother, but I need him to leave. I do worry about paying my full rent and the mail that accumulates in my absence. (He doesn’t even bother to let me know about “important” mail when it arrives.) I love the support he’s given in the past, but it has run its course. What should I do? — GOOD BUDDY IN VIRGINIA
DEAR GOOD BUDDY: I will assume that in the past you have told your roommate that you didn’t like the shape your apartment was in when you returned from the road. If you didn’t, you should have. Because you want him out, tell him that you now want the place to yourself, and set a date for him to find another place to live. If you don’t speak up and draw the line, it will never happen.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
