The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: I am a single man with no siblings. My elderly father passed away eight months ago. My mother is now in hospice with a life expectancy of weeks to months. My parents have lived long and productive lives, and I’m proud of both of them. We have always been very close. Since their terminal illnesses, I have managed to function fairly well.
My problem is with certain “triggers.” For example, I can no longer go to the beach because I always remember my father’s voice welcoming me home when I returned. The worst one is when people see my childhood photos and say, “Your parents must have loved you a lot.”
I know these people mean well, but I can’t help grieving over the bond I had and have lost with my parents. I plan to seek counseling, but I would appreciate any advice you would have about reducing the effect of these triggers. — THEIR SON IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR SON: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your father. You may need help coping with the pain of losing him, as well as dealing with your mother’s sad prognosis. When a loved one dies, there are, of course, bittersweet memories. Managing them is an individual process.
If you haven’t joined a grief support group, I urge you to find one. If the group setting doesn’t provide enough help for the overwhelming emotions you are feeling, a licensed psychotherapist can offer more support. The people helping your mother with her hospice care surely can suggest some resources for you. Please don’t put it off. Start now.
DEAR ABBY: How long would you give your partner to get a full-time job? What if that partner was helpful in other areas of the household, brought in rental income from a home he owned and helped with the kids? I am in a predicament.
My spouse has been working as an adjunct professor since we met and has remained in that career for 17 years without benefits or a salary that can support us. We have children now, and I have been working my tail off for more than 10 years to provide a lifestyle for our family.
Would you let your husband continue in his dream of adjunct professor, or make him get an additional part-time job to bring in more income? And would you leave this person if he didn’t want to do more to help provide for the family? — EXHAUSTED IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR EXHAUSTED: Would leaving your husband improve your lifestyle? You and your husband should consult a financial adviser and discuss your situation. From what you have written, your husband doesn’t sit around doing nothing. He may be doing his best to contribute in other ways. If the numbers don’t add up, it is possible he may need to do something more to generate income. But a word of caution: Do not issue an ultimatum unless you are ready to follow through.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
