The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: I have a friend, “Doug,” I’ve known for 30 years. I moved away, but we get together once or twice a year. I’ve known his wife longer than him and watched their son grow up, attending his sports activities when visiting and contributing to school fundraising activities. He’s a good kid.
I’ve recently heard rumors that Doug has made inappropriate advances toward and touched women within our circle of friends. It occurred once when I was there. Sadly, there has been more than one accusation. I do not distrust those rumors. While I didn’t witness it, the behavior following the event makes sense to me now.
I’m sad, disappointed and a little angry. I have distanced myself from Doug because one of the victims is also a close friend. I feel guilty for maintaining a relationship with him as if nothing has occurred. I’m continually asked by Doug’s wife and son when I am going to visit again. Now that I’m semi-retired, I am out of excuses. I can’t just go off the grid, and I clearly don’t want to be the one to destroy the family. I also don’t want to dishonor the victim by behaving as if nothing has happened. Is there a way out of this? — TORN IN WISCONSIN
DEAR TORN: I will assume that the friend Doug touched inappropriately TOLD you what happened, and you didn’t hear about it secondhand. If that’s the case, the rumors are credible. Did this change in Doug’s behavior happen because he was drunk or otherwise impaired? If the answer is no, he may have a medical problem and need to be evaluated by his doctor.
If you are really a friend of his wife’s, tell her what you were told, that rumors are being circulated and that you are concerned about him. It may not be news she wants to hear, but it’s important she be told.
DEAR ABBY: I am a man who recently found a new job with a group of people I am getting to know and like. One of my siblings died by suicide a little more than 10 years ago. I miss her very much, but I have moved through the phases of grief, accepted it and moved on.
We had a party at work recently. People were talking about family and siblings, and it came my turn to speak of my siblings. I said I have two, but one is deceased. I felt like it wasn’t the ideal response in this situation, which I have been in several times over the years. What would be the best way to answer a question regarding a deceased sibling? I don’t want to forget her and all the great memories I had with her. — AWKWARD IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR AWKWARD: You handled the situation appropriately. You are not obligated to discuss the death by suicide of a sibling, or any other relative for that matter, during a party. To do otherwise would certainly have sobered the celebratory atmosphere. This is something that is better discussed privately if you wish to.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
