The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: I recently attended a funeral for a family member. During the 90-minute service, my great-nieces and nephews (ages 3 to 6) were running around the church. Their parents said nothing and allowed them to continue.
Following the service, we were all invited to a sit-down meal in the banquet room of an upscale restaurant. Again, the children (ages 3 to 13) were allowed to run around, screaming and body-slamming each other on the dance floor in the center of the room. The noise became deafening with no regard to the older attendees. Again, the parents seemed oblivious to the noise and did nothing to stop them.
My son is being married in two months. Several of the children who attended the funeral will be in attendance at the wedding. How can I address the fact that I don’t want the same performance from these kids at the wedding and reception? My husband and I are putting out a large sum of money for this event, and I don’t want to leave early because of the deafening noise and embarrassment. — DREADING IT IN COLORADO
DEAR DREADING IT: I don’t blame you for not wanting anyone, regardless of age, to detract from your son’s wedding. Now that you are aware of the young relatives’ behavior and lack of discipline, you will have to deal with it directly. Inform the parents that this behavior will not be tolerated or welcome. When you receive pushback (and you will), all you have to do is point to what happened at the funeral and dinner afterward.
DEAR ABBY: I have recently come to realize that, even though she may not want to acknowledge it, my mother gave birth to me to replace my older brother, who was, for lack of a better way to put it, kidnapped by legal means back in the ’80s using loopholes in the court system. Realizing this has made me understand why I always felt she resented me for not being him. I grew up in his shadow — something I know she did her absolute best to not let me see, but I was perceptive enough to sense it.
Should I confront my mother, who is so far in denial that it’s extremely difficult living one state away from her because it’s just too close, or must I accept that there is no closure on the matter when I’m not sure that it is even possible? — OVERSHADOWED IN NEW HAMPSHIRE
DEAR OVERSHADOWED: Regardless of how you arrived at this epiphany, have you tried talking about it with your mother, who may have no idea this has been going on in your head? You won’t know whether closure on the matter is possible until you level with her about your feelings and ask if she would be willing to discuss all of this with you and a licensed family therapist. I’m crossing my fingers in the hope she can help you put it to rest.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
