The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been living with my mom for a little over a year. Our 4-year-old lives here also. Mom has guardianship of her because of our past. A month ago, my husband decided he was leaving. I didn’t leave with him because of my daughter. Now he acts like everything that was wrong in our marriage is my fault.
We are supposed to be working on our relationship. All he does is point out everything that’s wrong with me. We have been together for 11 years. He says I don’t put him first. I love him with all my heart. I don’t know what to do. Maybe you can give me some advice? — NOT ALL MY FAULT IN THE SOUTH
DEAR NOT ALL MY FAULT: It is easy to assign blame to someone else, but when a marriage crumbles, rarely is it the fault of only one partner. Offer your husband an opportunity to air his grievances with you and a licensed marriage counselor. I wish you had mentioned who he feels is higher on your list of priorities than him. If it’s your daughter, your priorities are ordered correctly. Not knowing the man or the “past” to which you alluded, it’s possible he’s looking for an excuse to leave you and start over.
DEAR ABBY: I have a stepson, stepdaughter-in-law and stepgrandchild. My husband and I treat them whenever we are together. Although we always pay for everything, we are never invited to their house. We host every holiday and pay for that as well. At Christmas, we host, decorate our home and a tree, and buy presents for them along with providing the holiday meal, etc.
In general, my stepfamily are nice people. However, I’m finding myself more and more annoyed with the one-sidedness of our relationship, not only the financial end but the effort as well. Last year, the gift I received from them was a handmade tree ornament I later threw out. I don’t know what to do. Any advice would be much appreciated. — TIRED OF ONE-SIDED RELATIONS
DEAR TIRED: In some families, the parents feel it’s their role to be the providers. In others, there is more reciprocity. Because you are becoming increasingly annoyed, and the son, daughter-in-law and grandchild are not your blood relatives, discuss this with your husband before your resentment builds further.
DEAR ABBY: I have been with my boyfriend for six years. We are in our late 40s, and we both work full time. For the past six months, he has had zero interest in showering daily. I see him do it on the weekend occasionally. He drives a semi locally and is home each night.
How does one even bring this matter up? Should I be concerned? Do I dare raise the subject, and if so, how? Maybe this shouldn’t bother me, but it does. I don’t want to embarrass him or hurt his feelings; I just need your advice. — CONCERNED IN IOWA
DEAR CONCERNED: Not everyone showers on a daily basis. Any change in a partner’s behavior deserves a mention. Because this is new behavior, ask him why he has chosen to shower less often. If his hygiene needs improving, for both your sakes, you can’t avoid the subject.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
