The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 38 years. We have three adult children and four grandchildren. I have always wondered whether I have stayed in the marriage out of obligation and/or because I got a young woman pregnant. I have on many occasions asked myself if I should have ended it and continued on with my life after the first child was born. I have tolerated the lifestyle I created and would like some advice from someone who has heard about a lot of circumstances. — UNSETTLED IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR UNSETTLED: A divorce at this point will disrupt the family unit you created and have nurtured all these years. Would it be worth the pain and expense involved? Once you have your “freedom,” what do you plan to do with it? Some discussions with a licensed counselor may help you gain perspective. Compiling a list of reasons why you should stay married and all of your reasons for wanting out would be helpful, too. Set it aside for a few days, review it and it may give you some insights. No one’s life is perfect, but if you are truly unhappy, it should never be too late to make a change.
DEAR ABBY: I hope you can shed some light on my problem. I swear — a lot. It’s been this way off and on most of my life. I was raised in a household in which swearing was common. Through the years, I managed to curb myself around children, but I find as I age that it’s getting worse. I conditioned myself to use other words in the past, but now that I’m in a new community, it has returned full blast. What, if anything, can be done to eliminate this from my speech? Hypnosis? I’m willing to learn anything that would help. — CURSED IN MICHIGAN
DEAR CURSED: It might help if you try to zero in on the underlying conditions that have made your old habit return. Could the move to the new community with all the adjustments involved be the cause? People sometimes swear when they are upset or in a situation that makes them nervous. If that’s true in your case, learning to lower your stress level could help you manage your problem.
DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost four months. Recently, we have been talking about trying to tell my mom about it. The problem is, back when we were in grade school, he said something hurtful to me and she found out. Because of it, she started to hate him. My friends and I have all seen that he’s changed and that he is trying. What should I do? — MORE GROWN UP IN MISSOURI
DEAR MORE GROWN UP: What you should do is take it slowly. Do not suddenly announce to your mother that this boy is your boyfriend. Start by casually mentioning the difference you and your friends have noticed in him, that he seems to be trying to be a better person and how much he has changed for the better. Because people usually socialize in groups, it shouldn’t surprise her that he has become part of the group. Save the announcement about a relationship for a month or two, and it may be less of a shock for her.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
